Stuffing

favorite quote

2012-01-01T09:56:00.002-05:00

My favorite quote from the Jodi Picoult book "Sing you home" that I wrote about yesterday is:
"At prayer meetings we hear people say they have cancer or that they need a job. We never hear people confess to looking up Internet porn or to having gay fantasies. Why is that? Why is church not a safe place to come if you are tempted by sin - any sin? If we can't be that safe place then we share the responsibility when those people fail."

2012 and the world

2011-12-31T14:44:00.002-05:00

If 2011 wasn't bad enough, the world is now supposed to end at the winter solstice of 2012. Of course, the world was supposed to end a couple of times this year, but that didn't work out, I think?

I am very happy to have finished the blog a prayer a day project for December. It was quite good for me.

I ordered Jodi Picoult's "sing you home" from amazon for $5. I thought the storyline sounded interesting in their online posting but when I read the introduction I was a bit disappointed when she said she was "writing in part about gay rights". I don't have a problem with books about gay rights but it felt like trickery not to let the consumer know that upfront. In the end though I think that Jodi did take a balanced look at the issue in that she presented both sides of the issue pretty accurately!

I am a wee bit sluggish today thanks to the silly cold. :(

Pushing through

2011-12-16T20:26:00.003-05:00

There was one day in the last week that I did not want to write on my main blog. Maybe it was yesterday, I can't remember.
It was worse than just not wanting to write. It was everything inside me saying I wanted to SLEEP. That I had nothing to say (I probably didn't). That I didn't feel like it. But I made a month long commitment to write every day. And except for the day that the copycheck was running and my computer was tied up, I have kept to it. Even when I really didn't want to!

moving out of the dark space

2011-12-04T19:02:00.002-05:00

Most of 2011 has been a year that I don't want to live through again. I am hopeful that I am moving out of this dark spot. Thanks in large part to prayers. I am thankful.

I have committed to God to write a prayer on my other blog for every day in December. This has been encouraging me to write more regularly. Writing is good for me I think. Today I didn't really want to write but I wrote twice! I'll try to unpack more of what is going on as I am able!

You belong here

2011-10-29T13:46:00.001-04:00

The sign outside the Y says "You belong here, you just haven't signed up yet". Everytime I see it I think of God. How He wants people to belong with him but not everyone signs up to be with him.

Biblical rules

2011-10-15T20:08:00.003-04:00

I watched the talk by AJ Jacobs about his "Year of Living Biblically"
If you are going to watch it, watch it now so I don't ruin the ending for you!
He spends a year trying to follow all the rules in the Bible.
He concludes that is is not possible to keep all the rules in the Bible.
He's quite a personable guy and I really enjoyed the talk. I agree with him that it is impossible to keep all the rules in the Bible.
However, where he goes after this is where we part in agreement.
He concludes after this that because you can't keep all the rules in the Bible, you should "pick and choose" which ones are applicable and good to keep.
I disagree which being able to pick and choose what rules to keep. I think the fact that it is impossible to keep all the rules in the Bible is designed to show us that we need God. No matter how good or kind we are, we can't ever be perfect without God's help. The rules point us to God. That we need a saviour to take us to the level that God sees us through instead of having God look at us with the rules (where we will obviously fail). Our success depends only on the blood that Jesus shed. It's not about us, it's about Him.

Crappy gifts

2011-10-02T20:19:00.002-04:00

I just read Sammy's blog "Jesus likes crappy gifts" and the line that resonated with me was "I wish I could just delight in his delight of my life. "
To just rest in the fact that God enjoys us.
By doing that it can take our eyes off where we are and what is wrong and just focus on what is right with Him.

"Prayer is helplessness acknowledged."

2011-09-05T22:49:00.001-04:00

"Prayer is helplessness acknowledged." J.R. Briggs
Knowing that you can't put the bandages on. Only God can do that. Not depending on ourselves but on Him.

Alternate bandages

2011-09-05T04:31:00.002-04:00

Sometimes if wounds are so bad, it may take some time for prayer to heal them. Maybe then an action becomes a type of bandage. When I was told I would be leaving the exams job (Feb 28th is when they told me, I remember) I was so wounded. Not that there was any malice involved, just that I had worked hard, sacrificed a lot and felt that it was where I belonged. So I had to leave as staying just made the wound bigger.

Should I have stayed and prayed through and healed the wound? Maybe that would have been the stronger thing to do. But I am so happy where I am right now and it was only this past week where I really feel that the wound is contained and healing. As a pose to oozing and filled with pus!

Bandages

2011-09-04T23:23:00.003-04:00

Today in his sermon Al talked about prayer as bandages. That made a lot of sense to me. I explains why sometimes praying for ourselves doesn't work. There are some places that you can't put bandages on yourself.

This summer was really difficult. I feel like I need a lot of bandages right now :)

Bandages of prayer poem

challenge

2011-06-23T21:07:00.002-04:00

For some reason I like to take on challenges.
Why I can't be happy with routine and taking things easy I don't know.
I have taken a job that I know will push me to my limits.
For years, YEARS, the aspect of my personality that I have had to battle with most is shyness. And this job is going to come right into the face of that. I'm not worried as I know that I am up for the challenge. But I also know it will be a lot of hard work!

sealing

2011-05-20T20:18:00.002-04:00

Seeing as I kept seeing the parallel to my life in the flooding in MB, I am glad to say they are now sealing the controlled break that they made last week. I am feeling better about that :) I appreciate your prayers Jordin.

Leaking

2011-05-19T08:47:00.002-04:00

Funny that my life seems to mirror the flooding river in MB. Yesterday one of the dikes walls started to leak. And I feel so did mine!

Also looking forward, when the waters recede there is going to be a big mess to clean up!

When it rains it pours

2011-05-16T14:44:00.002-04:00

An update on my friend from the Aug 31st post (not that anyone would remember) but in late Aug she was in a relative crisis situation in her life. She got through this and again was doing much better and now it has circled around again and she is in a very similar crisis. One can think here we go again. Why are we stuck in the cycle of life? Why can't issues be relsolved for good? Wishing freedom could be a permanent state! But I understand that life is a learning process. And so we learn. And so we grow. And so hopefully setbacks can eventually help us progress. But sometimes it doesn't look like that!

Breach

2011-05-15T14:44:00.002-04:00

As I watch the news about the river in Manitoba, I see a parallel to life. That at times the pressure can build up so much that maybe you need to break down a wall to relieve it. And you may not be able to tell beforehand if it will work. If it was the right place to make the cut. I feel that one of my walls has been breached. A controlled break or uncontrolled I do not know. A number of old wounds have resurfaced and feel fresh again. Time to heal again. Time to rebuild the wall. Restabalize. And hope that this break has taken enough pressure off to let balance return.

Preparing slowly

2011-05-06T21:41:00.002-04:00

I woke up about 1:30am this morning with these words in my head "Preparing slowly for my brother's ambulance".
I really didn't know (still don't know!) what it meant but I prayed for Pearl.
I was glad I had written it down at 2am because by morning I couldn't remember the words anymore. Now I can ponder them some more and see if I can understand if they mean anything.

Seeing the end of crazy

2011-05-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

March was a lot of upheaval and April had the crazy of exams so I am hoping that May is going to see things level out.

I have a meeting tomorrow that I've been a bit concerned about and at Church today I was thinking- what good can come from this? And we talked about faith in Church and I left feeling that it may go totally badly, but then it might not. But that I was doing the right thing and God trusts me. I'm sure I've written before that I don't know why He does that!

Here comes spring!

2011-03-20T13:36:00.002-04:00

My computer was having issues the last few months that has limited the amount of postings I have made. But with a new computer I should be able to get back in the saddle of posting again.

The last couple of weeks there has been a bit of a shake up at my job and I will be changing what I am doing there. I am very grateful for this as it has given me a chance to re-assess a number of things in my life. It also takes a lot of the stress off me as we have brought in a new student system at the university; which is great, but we no longer have the reports from the old system to run in the new system so I thought the next (Dec) exam session was going to be a challenge for me. Instead it will be a challenge for someone else!

What I love about spring is that it is a time of new beginnings. Of the old stuff being pushed away. That new things are possible. It gives me energy to overcome :)

Breaking the chains

2011-01-30T14:37:00.002-05:00

I write this blog to allow readers to see parts of me. Sometimes it's stuff that I wouldn't be comfortable speaking, but print seems safer. I think God is challenging me to get better about speaking things out, but my best form of expression is writing. And I love to do it, just don't always have as much time for it as I'd like.

Today I watched a women's conference promo that featured Kim Walker. She talks about a message that brought freedom to her, that cut the ropes off her.

A video of Kim singing is here "How He loves us"

I think God is continually breaking ropes off me. And every time I'm surprised that there are more chains!

Last week, I did feel like there was a particular rope that broke for me. And all week it felt like it was trying to re-rope me. But I knew I was free and I had to keep saying that. A little bit closer to free anyway.

This week was Al's last Sunday at Rustle before he starts on his sabbatical. We signed a card for him. That made it seem a bit like a funeral to me. I don't like goodbyes. But do I think the sabbatical is a good idea? YES, I DO. Good for Al, to recharge. Good for Rustle. I think we rely on Al a lot to be "God" to us. I hope it will bring our congregation into a deeper relationship with God, as we no longer have Al to lean on, we will lean on God. We will miss him big time.

Al spoke today from Matt 5:3 You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

At the end of the service Shari sang Amazing Grace (my chains are gone) An appropriate choice!

name release

2011-01-02T19:34:00.002-05:00

I read this article in the Toronto Star relating the public "outing" of those involved in child pornography charges (guilty or not) by the media and police to suicide risk.

I can see both sides of this.
I grew up in an anti-censorship household. My father was an advocate for freedom in books and movies- against the banning that sometimes went on. An advocate for free choice, you could say. Though this did not mean he approved of MY choices. Specifically the one that I made to become a Christian he had a hard time with.

Also, as a Christian I believe that truth should be free- that everything is going to be seen in the end, why not see it now? I'm not much for hiding things in this life.

On that basis, I would argue for the publication of all truth.

Others would argue that the names should be published so that the community can be protected. I am not so sure that the publication increases the safety of the community, however, it certainly doesn't decrease the safety so there is a bit of an argument there.

However, the point that the article makes is:
For the most part, child pornography offenders are white, male and educated, and have had no previous contact with the criminal justice system. They are less likely than other sex offenders to be psychopathic and appear to be at a higher risk for suicide, according to the 2009 report co-written by Lurigio.

The men, he says, are also in a “position of prominence or trust, whose activities utterly belie their public reputation, and are invested in their public reputation, and who have spent time cultivating it, and feel a great deal of shame and hopelessness about their future.

What this seems to imply is that the type of person that allegedly engages in this type of behaviour is not the typical criminal and so needs an element of protection.

Is there a way to protect both the community and the accused?

New Year!

2011-01-01T01:24:00.002-05:00

New Years' Eve can be a difficult one as well as people tend to want to spend it with people they love but sometimes people don't have anyone.
Kim's mom was sad as she and her second husband would go out and celebrate the new year together but he passed away a couple of years ago. She hasn't found a church family yet and both Kim and Zully were heading off to their respective Churches so she was home alone. She could have come with Kim and I and she thought about it, but she didn't sleep well last night so she decided to go to bed early but Kim felt bad to leave her behind.

2010 had a lot of bad bits to it, so I'm not sad to see that year behind me.
I'm looking forward to change in the new year.
Forcing change on myself, if necessary.
Doing more. Stretching myself. Loving God more. All of it.

Let this year be a year of healing the broken and lifting the burdens.

Holidays

2010-12-25T22:49:00.002-05:00

While the hype of the holidays is geared towards children and fun, there can also be a lot of pain.

The Tobin's are probably not celebrating much with Jack's friend dead and him charged with dangerous driving causing the death.

A number of friends have loved ones who recently died. Celebrating this year will come with pain for them.

Frances was diagnosed with ALS about a year and a half ago and can't do very much now. She's my age but all she can do is watch the children and the tree as her arms and legs don't work well anymore. This may be her last Christmas.

To the many people hurting and in pain this Christmas season, I pray that Christ will be close to you and help lighten your load, if even just a little.

healing communities

2010-11-28T22:39:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about what makes a community a healing one.
In short, I think a healing community looks like Jesus. Encouraging, supportive but direct. Based on truth. Safe.
I think that's a good direction to point.

How does a healing community respond to a member who has committed a "big sin" (Big in the eyes of the world- I believe theologically God sees all sin in the same rank). How does the community heal them, support them and encourage them? If it is big to the degree that the justice system is involved then they will pay their debt to society. Do they have to pay a debt to the community as well?
The community may suffer because of the individual. The mosque that the potential car bomber in Portland attended was burned by arson after the story got out. There is no indication that the mosque knew of the plan but they suffered because of it.
So, then there are 2 parts to the healing process. Healing of the individual and healing of the community. Then there is the re-integration of the individual into the community.
I thought this song went with the post: Stained Glass Masquerade
I am still pondering but now I need to sleep!

I met Jay Smith!

2010-10-31T17:05:00.002-04:00

I may be a little bit starstruck? If you don't know who Jay Smith is, he's a Christian aplogetics teacher. He doesn't apologize, he knows a lot about Christianity and Islam and is an excellent teacher. I got to have a conversation with him. It was very helpful indeed! There's a lot about him on youtube.
I think God has given me 2 specific things to pray for him. I don't know if it is a long term or a short term prayer commitment. (I like to know this sort of stuff before I commit to God that I will do it. Ha Ha- am I trying to bargain with God? probably. I never learn) I think it may be long term but I am doubting myself because I am telling myself I am just star struck!

I'm in

2010-10-24T16:23:00.002-04:00

I wrote and posted the previous "Fences" and then it felt like the Spirit of God was reminding me about my fences. That the picture of a person with fences applies to quite a lot of people.
I know that I keep well maintained fences. That I may avoid situations where I have to deal with taking parts of my fence down. That I can manipulate conversations so that I don't actually have to talk about myself.
I need to work on that.

Thank you for exposing what needs to be exposed
And loving what needs to be loved.

Fences

2010-10-24T08:49:00.003-04:00

On my last post Michelle made a good comment that indicated that the decision to allow a person to return to Church might depend on what the crime was.
I think this crystallized the whole post.
I know it is important to protect the community as a whole and so you would have to make these decisions on a case by case basis.
But I think it shouldn't depend on the crime, I think it should depend on the person's heart.
The thing that we can't see into other people's hearts, so we can't tell when we are being told the truth or a lie. We would have to rely on God's discernment.

On a completely different topic now, I think that recently God has given me a prayer assignment. It is something very different for me. In the past I have prayed focused prayers for people and there are people I pray for daily but this is different- it is more like an intercession type prayer. I think God showed me a picture of this individual with a very high fence around them (over their head) and every now and then they would allow a board to come loose and the prayer could get in. The person has to allow the prayer in, God is a gentleman and he never goes in where He isn't wanted. And I think the same is true for prayer. Specific intercession can't go in unless the person allows it.

Redemption

2010-10-19T22:26:00.002-04:00

Hypothetical question (not actually happening at Rustle):
If there is someone in your Church congregation who was arrested and will be punished according to the law of the land. If the police say that it is ok for the person to return to Church only IF the Church says it is ok, should your Church say it is ok?
If you look at redemption of the individual, you would say yes. But you also have to think about the community as a whole, how it would affect them?

Prayers of gratitude and grieving

2010-10-04T22:45:00.002-04:00

This morning when I arrived at work, I was startled to discover an answer to prayer. It was completely unexpected but I am very grateful! I don't feel like I responded correctly because it completely blindsided me, but I think that's ok. I'll do better next time.

This past week, when I went to the doctor for my hand I saw the nurse who worked with me when I was pregnant with James. It made me nostalgic and sad. Not that I want to have another baby. I don't believe I have the energy for that! What my problem is seems to stem back to a day when James was only maybe 6 days old (and I know I was hormonal and all) and I remember sitting at the kitchen table with him in my arms and just KNOWING that he would be my only baby. And I was crying a lot. And everyone said to me that it would be alright and that I was just emotional and not thinking straight, or whatever. But I needed to grieve it. And apparently I needed to grieve it then and I didn't get to because I listened to the rational voices around me. (Kim was telling me last week about how she knew there was something wounded in her spirit years ago and people didn't take it seriously and said she would be ok in a year or so) If something is wrong, sometimes you shouldn't placate it.

When I when to Calvary Church last night, they announced their ladies night theme that was this evening was 'babies' so I thought that since I was having issues with this, that I should go. I gave myself permission to grieve even if it was in a bunch of mainly strangers. However, the night didn't go so much as I expected. It was more teaching than interaction, which is fine. Looking at baby pictures was a wee bit difficult, but I did ok. So not so much grieving, more learning which was easier and I was completely fine with.

blockage

2010-09-30T22:04:00.002-04:00

As I went to bed yesterday, I had this feeling that maybe God had spoken to me in the morning, but I couldn't remember what He said. So I flipped open my notebook and there it was. I am grateful I take notes because my brain is not so reliable! Though the time I wrote it was 4am, so I can't be too hard on myself.

3 young men

2010-09-19T21:50:00.002-04:00

In Kingston there have been 3 young men who died under rather mysterious circumstances. The geographic area of their deaths is pretty small.
Joe G. died on a November night a number of years ago. How he ended up dead in the water was never determined.
This past August, a young Greek boy- 2nd year at Carlton, I believe- died when his car mysteriously accelerated and flipped on King St. instead of making the turn up Beverly st. to his home. This was 4am. It is unlikely if they'll ever figure that out as the impact killed him.
This past week a young Queen's student fell out of a window at the residence at some point in the night/early morning (he was found at 6am). If you take a look at the windows, they are very difficult to 'fall' out of. Mysterious and showing the fingers of evil really.

On a completely different note, I felt God bring me up short today as I had not been praying for the municipal elections. I'm way more about people than politics. But politics at its heart is about people, even though it often doesn't seem that way.

On yet another note, I went to a baptist church today that I had visited once before. Last time, I arrived too early and had to stand awkwardly until the minute before the service started when everyone went down to the room. I much prefer slipping into a seat and waiting. So this time I arrived later- maybe 30 seconds before they did the group movement downstairs. So this was better for me in that I did not need to stand for long. In fact I saw James who used to go to Rustle (he was wearing glasses so I didn't recognize him at first). I asked him if he had moved. But he still lives on Rustle St., just goes elsewhere to church. Whatever makes a person grow the best, I'm all for them going there!
Anyway, because I stopped to talk to James by the time I got downstairs, most people were seated. And they all sat in the back rows. So, that meant that I had to sit conspicuously at the front. I really would rather fade into the woodwork but that was not happening today. So, after the service the Pastor greeted me thinking it was my first time. I explained that I live a few blocks away and had been there once before, so I wasn't totally new. He seemed surprised and said something like maybe he was away. And I said, no you were speaking. This threw him off a bit. But I can understand if you are speaking you may be so focused on that that you don't notice people. It really didn't bother me. They always have pizza after the evening service and so he, being polite, made sure to invite me. I had to decline and the reason I gave him (though I don't believe he was still listening, which was good!) was "I don't eat". Which is obviously not true. I don't like to eat with other people. But as he really wasn't listening anymore I didn't need to explain my misspeakedness.
I was quite nervous going to a new place (even though I had been there once before) but it was very good for me to go. The message was excellent- on the will of God and prayer. The speaker was named Chris and he talked about how there was a geographic will of God (where should I live? what should my career be? He included prayers for healing in this)- these have no specific answers in the Bible but we are encouraged to pray for them. He said another category of the will of God was the moral will of God and this is what is found in the Bible. Prayers for this would include prayers of repentance and to be more holy and more like Jesus. He suggested that a lot of prayers tend to be dedicated to the geographic will of God, which is important but not as important as the moral will of God. Thoughts?

1 Samuel 4

2010-09-14T22:25:00.002-04:00

At night James and I read some from his children's Bible as well as a portion of a kids devotional book.
Today's reading was from 1 Samuel 4
5 When the ark of the LORD's covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. 6 Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, "What's all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?"
When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, 7 the Philistines were afraid. "A god has come into the camp," they said. "We're in trouble! Nothing like this has happened before. 8 Woe to us! Who will deliver us from the hand of these mighty gods? They are the gods who struck the Egyptians with all kinds of plagues in the desert. 9 Be strong, Philistines! Be men, or you will be subject to the Hebrews, as they have been to you. Be men, and fight!"

10 So the Philistines fought, and the Israelites were defeated and every man fled to his tent. The slaughter was very great; Israel lost thirty thousand foot soldiers. 11 The ark of God was captured
Apparently Israel wasn't doing so well at the battle thing.
So they decided to bring God into it.
And that got them excited!
Because you surely can't lose a battle if God is with you? Right?
Well, God was with them and they still got beat bad.
So what went wrong?
Because I see this today. People who have God with them, still getting beaten up.
I feel it too.
Did God want the Philistines to win?
Does God want us to lose?
Of course not!
But do we lose? Yes.
What is wrong then? Are we fighting battles that God does not want us to fight?
The problem in the story above seemed to be that the people weren't listening to God.
He told them in the previous chapter that he was going to execute judgment on sin (specifically on Eli's family but as he was the priest of Israel, that was kind of like judgment on Israel)
What God wanted from that was repentance. He wanted change. He didn't want to destroy Eli's family and many Israelites. He didn't want to, but they weren't listening.
Help us to stick close to you. To really listen to you. To repent and change when you want us to.

Trust

2010-09-12T14:25:00.002-04:00

There are lots of times when I have to remember to trust God. Remember that I'm not on my own.

However, there have been 2 distinct times (one being yesterday) that I have felt God saying that He trusted me.
And I was "WHAT?". Now that doesn't seem like a smart thing to do, to trust me.
I would think it's much better to trust HIM.
But since He's inside me, I guess I am trusting Him in a way anyway.
It seems that sometimes we pray for God to tell us what to do and how to handle it when He's like - I made you. You can do it. I trust you.
I don't want to let Him down!

Am I doing everything to follow your will? (Sanctus Real- whatever you're doing)

Out of the whirlwind

2010-09-06T12:47:00.002-04:00

A month ago a chain of events occurred that was a bit of a whirlwind that I was on the periphery of. I say that because that's where I see myself but in actuality I may have been nearer the eye. I was very involved in praying with the family. And now a month out, things have settled down. I am in the process of writing everything down. It's not something that I can write here but it is good to write it.

A couple of days ago, I met with my friend from the previous post. I think things went better that I had hoped it could go. I am hopeful that she can turn this around.

one step forward, one million giant steps backward

2010-08-31T07:16:00.003-04:00

I got a call from a friend who in my opinion had done some majorly progressive things during the summer. I thought spiritually she was in a good place.
She called me to say she can't pray anymore and she is also planning on making a very big decision. This is not good. If you can't pray, it may be better to hold off on the big decisions until you can. (Though she's stubborn, so she wasn't going to listen to me)

over

2010-08-30T19:13:00.002-04:00

Karin wrote a powerful post on her blog. I like how she takes on something that people often say (maybe without thinking) that God won't give you more than you can handle. But that is really untrue when you think about it- He gives you more than you can handle on your own. But never more than you can handle WITH Him. Cause He's God and he can handle quite a bit really!

I used to think that I was pretty desperate for God (a good thing really even though it may not sound that way) but these last months I feel like I'm in a new place of desperation. And it's scary and good all rolled into one.

I've got this

2010-08-29T16:04:00.002-04:00

August has been straight up crazy and there are so many difficult things and so many things whirling in my head. I have a propensity to worry and quite a lot to worry about! And there was a lot I didn't understand and was trying to figure out and my head space was not the best place to be in. And I don't think I realized exactly how much I was carrying until yesterday.
I went to Rustle for prayer. The first 1/2 hour I prayed for stuff. For today's service, for people who were hurting, etc.
Then I was quiet so I could listen. And that was GOOD.
I felt God saying "I've got this". He's got it all under control and He knows what He is doing. And maybe God has given me stuff that I don't really understand and so I wasn't really accepting it. Well I was but I probably wasn't accepting it in the 'right' way. And it made me feel 100x better to remember that God knows what He is doing even when it all looks so confusing to us. I feel so free now! It's a good place to be :)

Coping skills

2010-08-27T19:59:00.002-04:00

August has shaken me and some good friends quite badly. Things are starting to settle but they will never be the same. They better not be. I'm working hard to balance myself as much as possible but I'm afraid my coping skills just may not be enough. I'm trying though...

prayer junkie

2010-08-26T19:33:00.002-04:00

There's a family that I've been praying for. Generally, seeing them in person releases a deep prayer on the inside of me. While I am a person who believes that prayer does not depend on feelings it is very nice to have the intensity to pray with no real effort on my part. So it is good, but the trigger seems to be physically visiting them. And while I do enjoy visiting them, I really enjoy the prayer that comes afterward. I know that I won't sleep much after and I'm ok because I like the prayer so much. It is hard to find a balance or even know if a balance should be found!

still

2010-08-21T18:24:00.002-04:00

I read over what I wrote on Wednesday and I still felt I was thinking the same things, just they are going deeper.
What I feel is going on is that I have been given an assignment of intercession. And not a short-term one from the looks of things. It looks like it is going to take years. And I'm cool with that.
I was up at 3am praying about the situation. I am glad to do it if it is what is required at the time- even if I lose my beauty sleep!
The whole situation really breaks my heart. It is very hard.
The family seems to have accepted my place in all of this even if we all really don't have a clue what is going on, just hanging on to the fact that God is in control.
He can change nations and He can change individuals and that's what we hope for.

Intercession

2010-08-18T18:43:00.003-04:00

In the last week I have experienced some intense prayer. While I have prayed in a type of intercession before, it has never felt like this before.
It was very intense and overpowering and even emotional.
It is new territory for me and I am learning it can be tricky territory too.

Things I've learned:
1.When you experience the intensity of prayer and then it goes away and you want to experience it again but you have no control as it seems to be as the spirit leads. And that's ok, I want it to be as the spirit leads.

2.Prayer like this can emotionally involve you with the family (or person) that you are praying for. I felt I had to walk very cautiously in my interaction with them.
Its still in the early stages in this particular instance. In this case I had contact with the family involved everyday. And yesterday I hadn't heard from them, so I called and they were fine. Today I am not calling, I am believing they are fine. Believing also that they would call me if something was wrong.
And that's ok, I want a healthy relationship with the families I pray for.

3.It is also important to ward off resentment thinking that you put this much time into it and they don't seem to understand what you are giving of yourself. And that's ok, I want to pray in secret, not for a reward of thankfulness.

Take it

2010-08-14T21:06:00.002-04:00

Figuring out the impressions in your head can be tricky. Discerning between what God may be telling you and what you are telling yourself. Then sometimes if I figure out that it IS God, I don't know what to DO with it.

Anyway, I had something I thought God was saying last year. I did feel it was God but I didn't feel like I had to do something or say anything about it. Maybe there wasn't anything to do at that point. Or maybe it just needed to wait until my relationship with the person it was in regards to had progressed to where it would make sense to her? Anyway I did nothing.

This week I was talking with the lady it was in regards to and I guess I felt safe enough to tell her. And what I told her was something really ODD if you actually THINK about it. I thought she might just think it was me just being funny and brush it off. I don't think I expected her to take me seriously. She just calmly said "ok" and then proceeded to act like it was TRUE! It was a bit of a -whoah- moment as I don't think I expected her to believe me or to make it change her actions.

THEN God brought ME up short because while this woman immediately acted like it was true, I had NOT been. She had more faith in what I said than I did! I am trying to change that now :)

Corpse

2010-08-12T23:11:00.002-04:00

This news story about a lady who kept her (dead) boyfriend in a freezer is an interesting picture of what we as humans tend to do with our problems.
We'll just shove it in a freezer.
He's fine in there.
We don't need to look at him or think about him.
We go on with our lives and fleetingly think about what is in the freezer.
But eventually, the freezer gets opened and it all spills out.
Sometimes, this is very public. Sometimes, quiet.
When God speaks to us that our freezer needs to be opened, I would suggest that we listen!
An autopsy will be conducted once the body has thawed.

unity

2010-08-02T06:26:00.002-04:00

I'll finish off my story from "justice" first.
I talked to my friend about the problems she brought up. She had been wounded by someone through their use of her stuff. She wanted to cut off contact and manipulate. I asked if she had spoken to the person and explained the hurt she had. I told her she MUST do this. That is absolutely the first step before anything more dramatic. Sometimes it is harder to confront than just harbour how you have been wronged. We'll see how it goes.

The other interesting part of the evening yesterday was I went to Kim's Church. Her Church is -shall we say- a bit more dramatic spiritually than Rustle. Interestingly, the first song of the evening had some of the same words that the first song at Rustle did (though they were completely different songs!) Rustle's was "Don't back down" (Tom Petty?) and Kim's church was completely different but also used the words "Don't back down". So interesting!
Anyway the first song is neither here nor there to what I was going to talk about. After the first couple of songs, the Pastor got up and said that we had to pray because he could feel an attack in the spirit. So we stopped to pray. I didn't 'feel' anything so I asked God what this was about. What I seemed to get back was that it was an attack on unity. Now I don't know if what I got back was what the pastor was all worried about but it was a good reminder for me that what the devil hates most is unity. Unity in the Church. Unity in our families. Unity with our friends. And the way we humans are makes achieving unity a difficult thing. But it is a beautiful goal to reach towards.

justice

2010-08-01T16:07:00.002-04:00

Al spoke today on the parable in Luke 12 where a guy says to Jesus something of the effect- my brother isn't sharing with me (wah, wah)- make him share with me!
And shouldn't Jesus say something to his brother like "You are being a selfish and mean brother- you need to share"?
But he doesn't. He goes into a parable that Al explained so well. That 'stuff' is tricky. That relationships are much more difficult to manage than 'stuff'.
And when you think about it, the brothers that were in dispute that got Jesus started on the parable were sacrificing their relationship with each other for 'stuff'.

If I put myself in their shoes and my brother said to me- I need all our parents inheritance- I would be ok. But my brother and my relationship is easy, so that probably isn't relevant.

Some relationships aren't so easy and require a lot of work. When my dear friend went on a mission trip and came back, she found some very bad things (concerning 'stuff') had happened in her absence. She was very upset. She called me and said it wasn't fair. She asked me to pray. She told me what she wanted to do. I said don't- wait- people will pray. I'm going to talk to her this evening.

Not by might

2010-07-27T22:09:00.003-04:00

Many years ago I had a Leslie Phillips album that had a song called "Not by might". A beautiful song (though the dancing may be a bit distracting- I couldn't find a version that I liked without video)- I haven't heard it in years but I was at Kim's Church on Sunday night and one scripture that the pastor said triggered the song :)

The first Christian Church I attended was a lot like Kim's church. At the end of the service they both routinely have people come forward to be prayed for. I tend to avoid such demonstrations as I prefer to pray and be prayed for on a more personal level. But I also try to be obedient and on Sunday, they had the whole Church come down for prayer. Now, so really not to be rude, I guess, I went to the front with Kim. Sometimes when people are prayed for they fall to the ground 'slain in the spirit' as it were. One of my best friends when I went to the Church many years ago was a 'catcher' and he would tell me that he could tell the difference when people went down in the spirit or in the flesh. He said if they truly go down in the spirit they are light as a feather to get down and really wouldn't have needed a 'catcher' at all. The catchers catch the flesh. People who go down because it LOOKS 'spiritual'. They need to be caught so they don't get hurt, so I was told.
Anyway, I have no objection to falling if that is what God would have me do.
At Kim's church, the guy who prayed for me was Pastor Bill. And I think Pastor Bill was maybe a bit too enthusiastic. He put his hand on my head and shouted a couple of words- but he was pushing really hard- I thought my head was going to pop off- and not in a good way. But I wasn't about to be pushed down. Wouldn't you rather pray lightly and see God move?

Human be-ing

2010-07-11T14:46:00.002-04:00

I've had the song "A certain Love" running through my head the last few days.
And in prayer this morning I said that I wished I understood more about love.
And Al obliged by doing a sermon on the Good Samaritan, which was just what I needed.
That love is the ability to see others as God sees them.

A couple of weeks ago a drug dealer has seemingly moved in across the road. This bothered me for James, not so much for me at first. And thinking of the danger that it brought to the neighbourhood.
But looking at the young 'clients' that arrive really breaks my heart.
I created a new blog "Small Time Dealing" for justice and for prayer. I will pray for these people that I note as 'visitors'. I pray that they see their way out of the addition and the blackness and know that drugs are not the answer, only Jesus is!

A lazy sort of day

2010-07-09T22:06:00.002-04:00

Vacation seems to be wearing me down.

It has been good. I have been able to put in some routines with James that he really needs and I have been just too exhausted during the year to organize them. I've also got the house more organized.

But I give myself permission to rest a bit too. I sat and watched some episodes of Red Green with James.

As I was writing this a police car drove by and shone a light in my eyes. I'm beginning to think that the person who moved into the apartment in the house across the road is a drug dealer. And just after the police car went away a car drove up and I think the deal went down. This is too quiet a street for this sort of thing. Well that's thrown off my train of thought so I think I'll quit now.

personal boundaries

2010-07-08T05:20:00.002-04:00

An update on my last post- my friend posted the details about her baby and I sent her a nice congratulatory email.

I told James about the birth as it is a family that we hang out with in St. C and his response was "Woah, they have to watch they don't get carried away" (He thinks 3 children in a family is a lot!)

During one of my exams a couple of weeks ago, my proctors asked personal questions about ME to an instructor of one of the exam who knew me. I'm a bit upset by this that they crossed my invisible boundaries of privacy. If they wanted to know and didn't feel like asking me, they shouldn't ask anyone really. They probably should just read my blog :) Seriously, what I put out there, I am happy with anyone knowing. But going behind my back to get personal details, that seems to cross a boundary for me.

Personal

2010-07-04T16:44:00.003-04:00

In the last month, I have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about transformation. I was not praying for this for myself (though maybe I should have) but it seems to be happening anyway.

When Sam was speaking today some things seemed to come together for me. I don't think it related to what Sam was saying, though maybe it did. I remember Joanne read the scripture and it was from the old testament where Elisha told Namaan to wash in the river Jordan. And Namaan didn't want to - that wasn't the answer to prayer that he expected. I guess it is kind of like that for me.

My whole life I have been pretty shy. When I look at things about myself that I wish I could change, this would be the big one. There was a time that I prayed a lot for God to change this. And I thought I was doing better. I still struggle at formal functions like weddings and funerals and ceremonies mainly with not wanting to talk to the 'important people' and waste their time.

This past year I have had some things that I have been struggling with and not understanding. My heart has been torn and reworked and just when I thought I would get to the end, everything would begin again. And I didn't understand.

And during the service as I was listening to Sam, suddenly it all made sense. I understood that those struggles were a way that the shyness was being torn down. Didn't I pray for that? Didn't I completely miss it when the prayer was answered as I got all caught up in the struggles, thinking that was the problem? The answer came but it didn't come in the way that I expected!

Thank you Holy Spirit for showing up and always being there with us.

On an unrelated note, I haven't seen my girlfriend who was my BFF in high school since last summer, but we are frequently in contact via FB. Not deep contact, but a message now and then. I noticed on FB a couple of weeks ago that a couple of people posted a congratulation to her about having a son. She hasn't posted about this on FB herself so I don't know the day of birth, name, weight, etc. But she didn't even mention to me that she was pregnant!!!! In previous pregnancies she kept me up to date with all the details. Am I too busy that she just didn't want to bother me? Or has she just gotten too used to pregnancy (it would have been her 3rd)? I am not sure how to broach the issue now!

ETA: I wrote the above part about the shy and then TOLD people I wrote about it and now I want to un-write it, but I don't.

absorb

2010-06-27T22:39:00.000-04:00

During Lesley and Brendan's wedding I tried really hard to absorb the beauty of it all. And it was truly beautiful.

breaking

2010-06-25T22:15:00.002-04:00

FB leads to only a few degrees of separation. One of my friends is friends with a relative of a family that I used to be friends with. I went to church with them. They ended up leaving the Church because they had to sell their house because they couldn't afford it and they felt embarrassed that they had made bad financial decisions. There may well have been more that was going on that I didn't know about. And that's fine. It just seemed odd to me at the time that they would leave when they had just started making GOOD financial decisions. Like moving to a house they could afford. But maybe the loss of the house was too painful for them. I don't know.
Not that this has anything to do with what I wanted to write about.
This family has 2 children. When I knew them the kids were teenagers. Now they are in their 20s. The kids as teenagers were adorable. The son had a heart condition so always looked a bit pale but they were good kids. Probably still are. But the son (from his FB) seems to have discovered alcohol. And you know what?- looks really ugly with it. It is heartbreaking to see such a life of promise be derailed like this. I will be praying for him.

Transformation

2010-06-20T21:38:00.002-04:00

Al spoke today about the man from the Gadarenes who had the legion of demons and how he was freed by Christ.

I wrote this afterwards:

From dark to light
In the middle of the night
Your freedom comes ashore
My eyes saw you but did not understand
Could not comprehend
You came with Your healing ways
You saw deep within me
You knew the way to freedom
Who I was is not who I am
The way I see is all new
You have brought transformation
You are redemption
Things will never be the same.

Help us to live the transformation day-to-day
Remind us that You change us and that we are never the same

Theological discussions with an 8 year old

2010-06-03T23:16:00.002-04:00

As I was putting James to bed tonight I had this discussion with James:

James: Duncan doesn't go to Church, but he knows God.
Me: Oh, does he have a relationship with God?
J: No, but he's heard people talk about God.
Me: Do you have a relationship with God?
J: YES!
Me: It's different hearing about someone and having a relationship with them.
J: I'm going to marry Duncan and I will go to Church and he can stay home. We'll need someone to play hockey anyway.
Me: Wouldn't it be nicer if he came with you to Church?
J: Well, someone would have to play hockey.
Me: What about after you die, wouldn't it be nice if you could play with Duncan there?
J: Duncan is really fair at school, really good, so he should be in heaven.
Me: I'm glad Duncan is so good but Jesus said that noone gets to God except through Him.
(Then James is quiet for a minute and falls asleep)
Interesting talk though.

Freedom

2010-05-23T21:13:00.003-04:00

I was talking a while ago to someone who went to Rustle but now goes to another Church. We were talking about the new church experience and she commented on how she enjoyed the worship in the new place and it was nice to be in a place where she could "feel God come down". And my thought was that I am glad that you have got yourself in a place where you can feel God come down.
I feel that Rustle is special (I may be biased!) and that when we start the service, we walk into the heart of God. I feel enveloped at Rustle.
And Rustle today was indeed beautiful. It never can be put in words adequately.

I do enjoy visiting other Churches and see how God moves and what He is up to. God seems to move uniquely in each place, though the general direction of what He is doing seems pointed in the same direction.

I went with Kim to her Church in the evening and she was behaving pretty strange for her. Not strange in general, but I know her pretty well. Something was off and I wasn't quite sure what. She said a few things that seemed a bit out of character and her affect was off. At the end of the night she told me that her throat was all swollen and her gums hurt. So she was in some pain in the evening. As I have been reading 'the Winthrop Woman', which is set during the colonization of north america by England, I easily concluded that my vegetable loving friend had SCURVY. But looking on the internet, it is more likely strep throat. I hope she makes it through the night- I told her to eat oranges and lemons. lol.

One

2010-05-16T17:54:00.004-04:00

Wounds

Some wounds are close to the surface. One of my co-workers told me many of her wounds and I had only been working there a few days. Not to say that her wounds are surface wounds as they aren't. They are deep life-changing wounds.

There is another woman that I work with- she's a Christian and for the most part is secure and together but there have been a couple of times that I caught her off guard and saw a wound through her actions. The wound is deep as well, but maybe not as fresh.

Who doesn't have wounds?

The hole in the Earth spewing black oil into our clean water could be a picture of our wounds.

I can see mine pretty plainly. I don't know how obvious they are to others. Some days I don't notice them, but some days they feel like they are ripped apart and I am dragging them around. A real weight they can be. Some days I think that God is healing them. Some days I rip them open worse than they used to be.

Shells

Sometimes the wounds require construct of shells.
How are you? Fine, everything is fine.
The shells serve a variety of purposes. They prevent others from getting in an irritating the wounds. They prevent others from getting any infections that come with the wounds. Keeps them from getting dirty. But the shells also prevent people from getting in and putting healing salve on the wounds.

One

Jared talked today about the healing that comes from community. Coincidentally, this blog post talks about living wide open and the vulnerability and risk that comes with it.

It is a scary thing to be vulnerable. It is difficult to even know where to start. It is difficult to see how the healing might come. It is difficult to see how there wouldn't be more pain.

But God doesn't see things the same way that we do. We know His way and his heart for us is always Good even when it doesn't seem like it.

When I want to shut the door, put your foot in it and hold it open.

wingman

2010-05-12T22:28:00.002-04:00

tomorrow I tell my wingman in my ex-course that i turned down the offer for the course and it officially became my ex-course. he knows the course as well as I do. we've been through a lot together. he always logically worked on dissecting my ideas and changes, but always was in my corner 100%. we always backed each other. i'm going to miss the support. i'm a bit teary eyed for goodbye.

10 more times

2010-05-02T21:46:00.002-04:00

Thank you for the concern for Emma- she has pulled through! She was in the hospital for 10 weeks but is now back at home. The seizures have stopped but she has a lot of rehab ahead of her- starting with learning to walk again. She and her family still need lots of prayers.

Exams ended on Friday, which is good but it it was also hard as I had been working on this for 4 months. I shed some tears Friday night.

Al said in his sermon today that he had said to Shari "I've told you that 10 times" and she sweetly replied "Tell me 10 more times". After that I came home and was working with James in the garden and we came upon this GIANT thistle. We worked on cutting it back but I knew that as I cut it back today, next week it will be back. It was so big that getting at the root was not possible. I'll cut it back today. I'll cut it back next week. I'll cut it back 10 more times. And then maybe 10 more. Eventually, I can only hope that the root will become damaged and then it would not come back any longer. We'll see.
I see that in my life too, though it's more complicated than a thistle. I change things in my life. I change my job and things get better for a while. But the same things keep cropping up over and over. I feel the old wound back again. But I know, I got through this the last time and the time before and the time before and I will get through this time. Just when I think I left it behind, there it is.
What I realized as I saw the old wound resurface on Friday is that I seem to be using the wound for strength. The wound is able to drive me and give me the strength to operate as I do. But I don't want this. I want to operate out of God's strength. Not out of my strength. Not out of my wound's strenth.

10 more times

Breaking

2010-04-11T19:18:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of pretty serious things going on within my sphere of acquaintances. When we were singing at Church today. I become overwhelmed with worry about Emma. She's 10 and has been in a medically induced coma for a couple of days because she has been having seizures. I was very worried that she would not make it through the day. I couldn't decide if I should leave or stay. My head was a whirlwind. I am still worried.

Easter story

2010-04-02T13:45:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I've posted here. A lot has gone on but a lot is difficult to talk about. It's spring. It's Easter. I hope to start fresh.

I read the Easter story with James this morning.
One part that struck me that I hadn't seen before was when Jesus gives his mother away to John. John is her new son. I understand that part of it was the culture that the elderly should be taken care of by someone. But Mary can't have been that old- if she had Jesus around 14 or 16 she would only be in her mid-to-late 40s. She had other children to take care of her. She had other children to love. Before today, the gesture made sense but today, it's just not. You can't replace Jesus.
The only thing right now that makes sense was that Jesus was making a spiritual tie between them. That John might understand Mary in ways her other children could not. That Mary could give mothering insight to John. So even though they were not blood related they became spiritually related. That this is possible as humans to have a deep spiritual tie. That Jesus modelled this. That it is something that Jesus valued as important as he was thinking about it while he was on the cross. That it is something that we should value as well.

coping

2010-02-05T22:33:00.002-05:00

I am struggling to cope with the death of my grandfather, and with other issues going on. I didn't realize how prophetic my dec 26 entry was.
I think I need a retreat, I just don't have time.
I am busy with work which is good and bad. Good that it keeps my mind off things. Bad that it keeps my mind off things. I need time to process. I need to know what to do. I need space.

Reality

2010-01-06T21:10:00.002-05:00

In his sermon on Sunday Al talked about living in Reality and I took that as my Message for 2010. Just living in reality and dealing in reality sounds healthy. Not like reality tv, though I find that healthy amusement.
Living in life how it is, not how you wish it could be, not how you worry it will be. That's my new year challenge!

Difference between the head and the heart

2009-12-28T21:39:00.002-05:00

Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable. ~ G. K. Chesterton

This quote makes me think about the difference between what we know in our head, what we reasonably agree to in thought and what we practically do.
We can know in our head that say lying is wrong. But when there's a tight situation and a lie will make it better, make it easier on us and it won't really hurt anyone then maybe the lie will come out.
That is on a small scale. On a larger scale, this encompasses social injustice in our communities. What injustices do we as a society excuse?

Looking forward

2009-12-26T20:21:00.002-05:00

Looking into the new year I see some major spiritual sort of battles on the horizon. With my current work situation I'm worried that I won't get the spiritual time I need to deal with things. I guess I'll start by praying about that!

Wound

2009-12-20T19:23:00.002-05:00

I am watching a girl I knew turn into a guy. Her choice.
But when I look at her all I see is a wound. A wound she is trying to fix by becoming someone else.
Escape seems to be a valid route.
Dr. Phil ofter asks guests if they are running away from something or running to something. As humans we do a lot of running.
I took a new job that has been overwhelming but also very enjoyable. There were a number of reason I took it.
Stability. We are a one income family and that is me. We need to be able to rely on my income.
But also I looked forward to the change as I had an old wound that I needed to get away from. I thought that a fresh start would help. And it did. For a few months. But I sense the wound is back. No matter how many times I think it has healed, it doesn't take much for it to be ripped back open and be dragged along, ugly and open and festering. The only thing I hope is that each time I am learning and each time it will be a bit less ugly, a bit less festering and a bit less heavy.

grandfather

2009-10-24T22:10:00.002-04:00

my mother went to holland for her october visit with her parents (she goes twice a year) and my grandfather (her father) got sick (fluid in the lungs)- well he was sick when she arrived but he got worse and so she took him to the hospital. So the visit was very well timed in that she was very helpful to her parents. it can't have been a restful trip for her. sometimes the things we have to do are the good things even if they are not fun.
when she was about to leave to get on the flight home he told her he wouldn't see her again. very sad :(

there is also a family i know who the mom has just been diagnosed with als and may only have a few years to live and she has a daughter james' age as well as one 2 years younger. the one james' age has not had the same life as james as she was diagnosed with cancer at 2 years old. they fought so hard and she is now cancer free but her mom is sick.

Giving up what I love

2009-10-12T22:41:00.002-04:00

I am so busy that the reality of my situation is having a slow time sinking in. I am giving up my lovely office and the class that I love for personal stability. The door is open and I am walking through into I know not what. It is exciting and I am staying positive, focusing on the good about the change. But any change is difficult.

1 week

2009-10-11T22:47:00.002-04:00

It is hard to believe all that has changed in the last week. I have a new job. I am very happy with the stability aspect. I am also happy with the computer/programming aspect. It will take me a long time (they said a year) to learn how to run the computer program properly but I think I will enjoy that aspect very much.

What is not so good, but I don't mind too much: people are going to complain a lot to me. I have years and years of students complaining, so the people complaining will just be a bit older.

What my concerns are, but I think will be opportunity for growth:
Working with people. I am used to being a lone wolf in the role of work. I worked contract so that meant it benefited me if I worked through lunch. I saw no need to take breaks. Now I do not have those social skills to work with. Not that it probably will matter as my boss I am currently with said that it was a benefit going into this job that I am used to a lone job so maybe I won't need those skills after all. We'll have to see!
My other concern (that may or may not be a concern) is why the last person in the job left the job. Apparently, the job did it to her, but noone has told me which aspect of the job did her in. Maybe noone knows.
I think they were very careful in hiring me, so maybe they know what attributes I need to have to survive the job:)

It is hard to believe I start in a few days!

bunny trail

2009-10-05T05:12:00.002-04:00

It has been a very busy few weeks at work. I have lots to write here but just have to get the words.

Yesterday, I went to Rustle in the morning and the Calvary church down the road in the evening. It was very good in that Al and the speaker in the evening had kind of the same point in their sermon.

The speaker at the Calvary church had a very good sermon when he was reading off the paper but he went off on a bunny trail at one point, talking about how you can't tell the Christians from the rest of the world and he went on to talk about external reasons why that was so-kids don't have respect - kids don't wear suits- some Churches don't have a piano or an organ (gasp!). While I was listening to this I thought- man this guy would not be too keen on Rustle! But God didn't say you would know a Christian because they wear a suit (which this man says he does all the time!) or because you have a piano or an organ but you would know them by their LOVE. They should stick out not by outward appearance but by their love.

Realizations

2009-09-12T13:46:00.003-04:00

At the retirement lunch I went to I saw how I don't belong to the department, really. They were nice to be, but really are not obligated to me. Despite me being there for so many years, I'm only contract and so it is not their fault. But there was no baby shower for me there. The only one I had was a little one at Next with Alison. And they certainly won't give me a retirement party if I live that long. There are advantages to being part of a team.

I'm in the room

2009-08-26T21:14:00.002-04:00

I am not quite sure how to deal with a guy I am currently working with on a project. And I don't mind discussing it here because today he was trash talking about my project and I was in the room. Maybe he thought I couldn't hear him, but I could. Every word. Actually, he probably DID hope that I heard. He wants me off the project very badly. To my face he tells me I am doing a 'make work project'. But he does give a surface attempt to help me- he'll ask me if I need anything, or if there is anything he can do. But when I tell him something I need, he says he'll take care of it, but does nothing. So basically I'm on my own, navigating political waters to make everyone come out of the project looking good and still doing the project. So, challenging, yes.

Also, my fragile friendship at work that I was talking about a few posts down told me today that work friends aren't 'real' friends. Nice.

Disappointment

2009-08-23T23:33:00.002-04:00

Today at communion I apologized to God for being a disappointment. I suppose I feel that way because if I were God, I would be disappointed in me! My life doesn't look anything like what I had hoped. Now I know that God doesn't think like me (thankfully!) and may not be disappointed in me at all. But I know that I am.

support

2009-08-06T22:36:00.002-04:00

I went to the "Online Gamers Anonymous" site today. It actually made me feel quite ill reading these people's stories and knowing how close it is to my own story. So, I didn't find it terribly supportive, more like depressing. They have a chat session on Sunday nights from 9-10pm. They call it a 'non-religious terms chat' which i find a bit baffling. Are there chats about this WITH religious terms?

Henri asked me the other day if my Kijiji selling was escapism. In a way it is. I enjoy the listing, the biking, the meeting people. A little escapism isn't bad!
But the reason I started selling with Al was I was praying about what God wanted me to do and this is what I felt to do. I wasn't sure when I had the thought if it would be helpful to Al as he runs a pretty smooth ship and I wasn't sure if having another person involved would help him or hinder him. But it seems to have worked out well. We try hard not to each sell the same object to 2 different people :)

Fragile friendships

2009-07-30T12:04:00.002-04:00

My relationship with my best friend is NOT a fragile one. We've known each other since grade 5. On the day we met, I think we both instantly knew we would be best friends. In grade 5 we went to the same school, liked the same boy and lived across the street from each other and so did practically everything together. From gr. 6-8 I went to a different school, but we kept up our friendship by writing long notes to each other (on paper- before email!). From gr 9-13 we went to the same highschool. We had lots of fun together there. Then I left for Queen's. When I came back for my Christmas break she was going to a new Church and brought me along. She helped me meet Jesus and discipled me in my young faith. We always kept in touch and now still do thanks mostly to facebook. Even though I rarely see her, when I do it's like I never left. You know that kind of friendship? That is so rooted in you that it can't break?

I was thinking about the fragility of friendships in relation to another friend. I have known her for about 14 years and for many, many years it was a very surface friendship but a few years ago, she started to open up more. I thought this was good, but I don't think I realized what a gift it was or how difficult this was. Last week, she told me she had opened up to another mutual friend and what a big deal this was. That she felt safe. I then felt very honoured that she felt safe enough to open up to me previously. We talked about this and I said that she had opened up to 2 people and we LIKE her. We didn't run away screaming. lol. I hope that she continues to open up rather than hide.

Vehicles

2009-07-28T12:32:00.002-04:00

3 nights in a row I had nightmares about losing control of the blue hyundai. Funny because I am so far doing ok with the driving. Maybe my sunconscious is unhappy that my conscious is happy.

I had a funny incident yesterday. I drove to Food Basics to get groceries. It was the one on Princess, not my usual Barrack St. one. In one aisle there was a tall man walking up and down the aisle *sighing* quite loudly. It was obvious that he was looking for something he couldn't find. As he seemed rather distressed, I stopped to pray for him. Well, I stopped the cart and looked at something on the shelf, but praying is what I was doing. So he came up to me and asked if I knew where the Shake and Bake was. As I have been through fruitlessly looking for shake and bake before, I told him yes it would be by the breadcrumbs in the bread aisle. I was guessing. I hadn't seen them in that store before as I have passed through my shake and bake phase since I found I could make things better than them! lol. When it came time to check out, I got in line behind him, even though it was probably the longest line to be in. I didn't mind. I kept praying for the dude. He was quite efficient in his packing of groceries. And he had a lot of groceries -$300 worth. He walked out of the store just before me and I could see that we had parked next to each other. His vehicle was a wheelchair access bus and he was obviously doing this shopping for his work. I'll have to ask Kim if CH has a bus like that. The poor guy probably thought I was stalking him, but it wasn't me!

Truth hurts

2009-07-25T22:51:00.002-04:00

I like truth. I think it is a good thing. Hearing truth about myself is not always easy, but it is necessary.

At work I see lack of truth by omission. It isn't outright lying, but it is misleading. One course I was doing the instructor gave me access to his email and I replied to all the student assignments, but I did not sign my name (as requested by the instructor). The email automatically signed his name (in the sig file) so it looked like he was doing all the work for the course, but it was really me. It didn't really bother me because I don't care if I get credit for things and I probably write more controversial things than he would ever write and I don't have to take any of the blame really! Does it make a difference to the students? Likely not. Just the principal of the thing.

I was at the main office for one of my courses the other day for a meeting and as there were other people in the meeting room, I went to the waiting room. This room still had handouts (mainly for the students) from last year. One was a 'contacts' sheet that listed a contact from each of the first year courses. I was rather amused to find that I was listed as the 'coordinator' of my course, when I was not. I was, however, the correct contact to list, as the actual coordinator just forwarded emails to me.

I was having a conversation the other day with someone and at the end it took a bad turn as the person made a joke about taking their own life. Now, I *think* I know the person well enough to know that they were not seriously considering it. But, do we really know anyone else? Don't joke about that stuff. It makes me worry.

Alternate view

2009-07-20T11:00:00.002-04:00

I always find it interesting when other people tell me their impressions of me as it is hard to gauge how other people perceive me as I'm stuck here with me all the time!

During Church yesterday, I sat next to Laurie. The service started with about 5 songs. I sang to God and I endeavored to listen to God. I had a great (if messy- I was crying at one point- not sad crying- hard to explain I guess) time.
After the service Laurie said she could tell I was very spiritually open. Oh? She said she heard the sounds I was making that it was 'like praying in toungues'. Well, it probably was not just 'like', it probably was it in actuality, though I had no recollection of doing so and I had no idea with all the music that anyone could actually hear me. Not that I would change anything. But interesting.

Little children

2009-07-04T21:54:00.002-04:00

Myron's mom passed away today. Freakily, I had this dream that I posted on my dream blog a few hours before she passed:

I was attending a funeral for a lady. The predominant colour was purple. In the handout at the funeral, it started "Laughingly". i wasn't sure if people would be offended by this. I was writing a card. Inside the card there was lots of printed writing and I wrote "We will miss you" into the card.

After Myron called to let me know, I didn't know what to do but I decided on heading to the library to pick up some DVDs. The one I decided to watch when I got home was called "Little children". It was an interesting movie (and a long one too!) and seemed to be about how people deal with different problems. During most of the movie, people dealt with problems in generally immature ways- they ran from them, they ignored them or they confronted them in unhealthy ways. At the end of the movie, it seemed that the characters had matured and could take on problems in a more healthy manner. The movie ended with a line that said - the past is the past but the future has to begin sometime.

hearing

2009-07-04T13:46:00.002-04:00

This past week something has been wrong with my ears and has affected my hearing. My ears have had what feels like a cloud over them. And so when people talk, I'll miss bits of what they say. I would have to focus very hard to hear through the cloud. And the cloud has been annoyingly loud.
Through this I realized a few things. One is that I noticed the difference between good hearing and bad because I have had good hearing up to this point in my life. If you don't know what good hearing is, you wouldn't miss it.
Hearing people is useful, but hearing God is needed. My prayer this week has been, if I loose my physical hearing (which I don't think is actually going to happen- I think it's just an allergy or something) I don't care, I just don't want to stop hearing from You!
I also wonder if how I hear from God is in a cloud, not perfect and I don't know that I could hear Him better because I haven't heard any clearer than I do now.

Fix you

2009-06-26T23:15:00.002-04:00

I am in a scary (good) place right now. My mind is swirling from all the things I'm thinking on. I'll jot some down here, but as I'm still in the process, I can't guarantee how coherent they will be.

The past two weeks have been very difficult as the insurance co. has discontinued Myron's support. They claim he is well enough to go back to work.
Coincidentally, we had some people from our church over to pray for Myron and some prayed from home. This was good, it has given me some direction which I haven't felt before.

When Myron first became sick, we thought it was a physical thing. But the drs have done all the tests and say there is nothing physically wrong with him. So that just leaves the mind, which is a crazy space to work in. Al talked about people being led out of dark places. This dark place has consumed our whole family. I have no idea how to get out, but I know that God is the light and direction. I told Al that I didn't know what to do and he suggested that doing something was better than doing nothing. Which is very true.

Also when I talked with Al, I realized that except for a few opposite factors, my marriage is coming close to my parents marriage. And while I love my parents dearly and this might work for them, it's not ok for me. I don't want to wake up in 10 or 20 years and see that I have the marriage that they have.

a change in perspective. a good one

Song transformation

2009-06-16T07:34:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I would consider a bad day. My attitude was bad and I was upset that whole day. UNTIL, I started to sing the song we do quite a bit at Rustle that goes "I wish you all the best things" to the situations at hand. "All the Very Best Things" by Terry Scott Taylor. I also don't know any of the song other than that one line, so it is a very repetitive one-line song when I sing it. But it was very helpful. It turned my attitute around and today is going to be a good day. I hope!

Life is like a pizza crust

2009-06-13T20:09:00.002-04:00

Today when I was speading a pizza crust, at the very start there was a hole. It was like it started out with a flaw. And as I spread it, I would try to put more dough on the hole or push the surrounding dough to cover the hole. I had to proceed very delicately because if I made even a slight wrong move, the hole would reappear. When I got it all done and baked it, you couldn't tell that the hole had been there. But for a good part of the dough speading lifetime the hole was there, unending. It sometime seems that we spend our whole lifetime trying to fill the same hole within us. But when we are transformed, I suppose it will all be healed in the end.

Healing seahorses

2009-06-12T21:06:00.003-04:00

If you had asked me at the start of the week how the week would go, I would not have GUESSED at all all the things that happened this week. It has been an overwhelming week. (For James too- he didn't even manage to stay awake during period 1 of the final stanley cup game)

On Wednesday morning, I had a dream about healing seahorses with glowing red bellies. Now, it may sound a bit new-agey but when I looked up the interpretation for both seahorses AND glowing red, they BOTH were talking about change of perspective.
That change has to come from the belly, the most inner part.

John 7:38 He that believeth in Me, as the Scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water."

Changing one's perspective can be a healing thing, but true change must come from the innermost being. I'm pondering this.

somedays I can't cope, but God props me up

Aircraft

2009-06-06T20:28:00.003-04:00

When I was in my early 20s, I would sometimes have these terrifying dreams about aircraft going down and then I would wake up and check the news and an aircraft really did go down. It was spooky. I had to pray and ask God to take it away because it freaked me out too much. It did stop. This summer I am working on a project on structural health monitoring in aircraft. Odd, but good!

I made a comment on Robert from Oregon's blog about something I have been thinking about recently. I was walking by an 'adult' video store and was thinking about characteristics of sin. That a feature of sin can be that we are trying to fill some hole in our life with something other than what God wants to fill it with. God wants to fill us with His pure love, so instead people watch this warped version of love in the adult videos. God wants to fill us with happiness, but instead people drink liquid happiness. God wants to fill us with joy, but instead people take drugs for a false joy. It is a substitution of something carnal for what is supposed to be something Godly. Maybe that's why God hates sin. It's his competition! (and a rather poor competition at that)

BUT sometimes people use good things to fill the same holes. Sometimes people get married because they feel a lack of love and instead of having God fill them, they look to a human to do that. So even good things can be twisted by the holes in our insides.

Really, only God fixes us, and sometimes in the most bizarre ways. We can run, but if we really want to be fixed, He will always be there.

Space

2009-05-30T21:09:00.002-04:00

I spent the day at Rustle helping Al sell stuff in our neighbourhood yard sale. I was in the best head space I've been in in a while so that was good. Wendy's 2 month old granddaughter was in a good space too. It feels like Rustle has achieved a peace about it. A foundation of peace, that even though there is still chaos going on, the foundation is there.
This feels so different than when we first moved into the space. There was no peace, only war, so having a foundation of peace now is really incredible. We are thankful to God for that.

Today a small voice was saying I am going to be ok, I really hope that voice is right!

Plan

2009-05-25T22:47:00.002-04:00

I have to say that God has a sense of humour. I like to have plans. I like organization and schedule. Even though I am quite happy for Him to do what He wants and go along with it, I like to have a plan for backup.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I needed a plan and it got blown out of the water rather spectacularly (if I do say so myself) within hours.

In the last few days, I decided there was nothing really wrong with the original plan and I would go back to it. And the plan went well for most of the day until in the late afternoon, I read something that seemed to be written just for me. And it scuttled my plan again.

Now, God knows that the heart of my plan is right. I don't think he really objects to the plan itself, but that I think I need the plan instead of relying on Him. He knows where I want to go and He trusts me. But He doesn't think I need a plan. I just need to trust Him.

Even our best plans are not as good as You. Help me to trust, always

Right

2009-05-24T15:50:00.002-04:00

Al had a great story as an analogy in Church today (I hope he doesn't mind my sharing it because the rest of my post will probably only make sense if you heard his story)

He said there was a giant bee in Rustle and it was bumping into the window (you know how bees do when they want to get out) and he took a container and a piece of paper and caught him (her? it?) and took him to the front door and set him free. (I think Al's point was that you can either bring destruction or freedom to a situation, though that's not what I'm writing about. Another point he made is that the 'right' decision is not always clear because we don't always understand what God is doing)

Well, I feel like that bee. I am trying to make the right decisions and keep finding myself slammed against the window. I am waiting for God to catch me in his container and set me free.

There is one situation at work that I have been trying to make a right decision on and see freedom, but it's always the window. A couple of weeks ago I thought I had figured out the 'right' decision and was going to implement it. As I was walking in to work, I was praying and had this sense that the decision would not work. And yup, it pretty much blew up in my face. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't the right decision, I don't think. And so I am trying once again to implement the same plan that did not work weeks ago. That I apparently still think it is good. And I prayed for it that God would help me. But sometimes maybe it is more amusing to Him to see it all go haywire. I don't mind being amusing. It serves a purpose.

Help me to head toward freedom

Hockey parent

2009-05-23T20:47:00.002-04:00

Apparently, I do not fit the mould of a hockey parent well. I was the only one who brought a book! James was only on the ice half the time, so I read the other half of the time. Sportive, I am not. On the other rink, they were doing figure skating, which I probably would have preferred to watch, but I don't suppose there is any chance of me convincing James to figure skate? No, I didn't think so.

orderly

2009-05-20T21:31:00.002-04:00

It is always a transition in April to go from my Queen's job to the RMC one. As I wrote in my post, I am having some trouble with my assignment. Maybe that is part of my problem. The other part is that I have trouble sitting still. So, being in a classroom is easier for me than sitting for hours at a desk in that regard.

I have a nice office. When I had to get my contract renewed, I had to go to the 'orderly' room where they process you. It's an office space that completely freaks me out. There are so many people working and the dividers are just at arm level so you can see everyone. I don't think I could work in that sort of office space, but you do what you have to do, I suppose.

Myron seems to be a sitting target for telemarketers. When I came home today, he had signed up for $700 worth of magazines- most of which he will not read. They did give him a week to cancel, which will be happening tomorrow. Completely freaks me out, these things.

project boundaries

2009-05-16T10:27:00.002-04:00

I have been with my current boss since I came back from maternity leave, so about 6 years. We have a good relationship, though we have a lot of conflict (Karen and Henrie declare it 'healthy' conflict as we are very open with our disagreements and we still care for each other) It's very much a father/daughter relationship and he's kind of like a grandfather for James. It's a very different relationship than that with my own father as we avoid conflict!

He's very good about being flexible with my Queen's time and letting me do my own thing. He has some control issues, but not too bad. The problem I'm having right now (as we have started on a big project) is a problem that I have seen in the past, but it hasn't affected me too much- he can't put boundaries on projects. So I try questioning him, trying to find the focus, but he won't have it. He won't tell me what the focus is and he won't exclude anything. So, it's up to me to figure these things out. He will probably be frustrated with me if I don't. (even though it is his job!) Ah, well.

In the month I have been off from Queen's I have found I gained a bit of weight. I never realized how active a job it was at Queen's in that it maintained my weight! Now I just sit at a desk all day, I'll have to be more careful. I blame part of this on Kim, who introduced me to Worthers chewy candies. So good! lol.

Well

2009-05-12T11:12:00.002-04:00

On my way in this morning, my mind was playing U2 "The first time" that Mady and Paul sang on Sunday and I was thinking about how a lot of times we (as a general community)don't support one another in love. I think Rustle on the whole is very supportive, but Rustle isn't a very ordinary community. A lady was telling me about how some Christian organizations dumped her because she married a divorced man. How is this helpful? How is this supportive? Seems more controlling than anything to me.

As I arrived at work, I realized that this all tied in with what Al talked about on Sunday- loving well. And as I was writing, I realized that in the past week there was a discussion on - if you love someone and they are in (what you perceive to be) sin), is it not your loving responsibility to alert them to this? So everything seems to be tying together in my head at least!

So, going back to my example, maybe these people thought they were being loving by alerting her to the "sin". But she did not feel it was a sin, so she still married him. Should she have been removed from ministry as she did not repent of the sin? It is really a tricky spot to be in when the dividing line for what is 'sin' is being marked. Do we differentiate big sins and small sins- well, it's ok to be in ministry if you have small sins, but not big ones? One person in the discussion last week indicated that it should be about attitude. But it might be hard to have the 'correct' attitude towards sin, if you disagree with the demarkation lines of what sin is.

Larissa

2009-05-11T21:52:00.002-04:00

When I was about 10-ish, I had a playmate named Larissa. Her father worked with my dad. They lived about 5 blocks from us. Easy walking distance. Her mother had just left them and that's when I started going over there to play. I think they wanted me to help keep her mind off of all the familial distress. We played well together, but I remember thinking that their house seemed sad. It was a big house and a tad dark but overall quite pleasant. I think maybe it was one summer we spent a lot of time together. But then maybe her mother got custody as I didn't see her much anymore. I tried looking her up on facebook, but maybe she doesn't go by the name I knew her as anymore.

Try

2009-05-10T16:24:00.002-04:00

As Mady and Paul were singing today and learning to work together, I thought that God appreciates our effort. That no matter what the product looks like, it's the effort that we put in that God appreciates. Kind of like parents appreciate their kids effort. There is an area of my life that is particularly frustrating and I put a lot of effort in trying to fix it and there seem to be no results. But I know, even if noone else appreciates it, God does!

High School Notes

2009-05-04T18:11:00.004-04:00

I don't think I've written about this story from my high school experience. I don't know a word to describe it except 'high school'.

The background: My friend Angel went to another school in our city. She was kind of going out with Brad, who went to our school. They wrote notes back and forth and another friend Carol was the messenger pigeon (so to speak) who delivered them.

Well, some of the other guys were like- I wish one of Angel's friends would write us. So, being silly girls, we decided to 'invent' a friend of Angel's and have 'her' write one of the guys. I can't remember what the imaginary friends' name was, but I got to be this girl. ('cause I like to write- can you tell?) And I wrote to Mark as this imaginary girl. And Mark bought it. Now Mark was a sweet guy and I really did like him. And we wrote notes for months. Or, he and the imaginary girl wrote notes. Then one day, we decided to tell Mark the truth.
I thought he'd be happy to hear the truth.
But he was NOT.
And he never. spoke. to. me. again. (understandable really, but surprising at the time)

Or else

2009-05-01T20:56:00.004-04:00

Do you know "or else" people? People who say you have to do things a certain way 'or else'?

You have to do something a certain way 'or else' the church is doomed? (it wasn't)

You have to do things a certain way 'or else' we'll leave the church? (they did, it's ok)

or I'm sure Jordin has heard this one - You shouldn't homeschool 'or else' your children will not socialize properly, etc.

I have never been keen on people who are so demanding. Pushing that their way is right. Those are just some vague examples, but I think you know what I'm getting at.

Now, I haven't really considered myself an 'or else' person. I think it's really important that people make the choices that are best for them and that may not be the same choices that are best for me. I think you've got to be true to God and yourself.

I have had a couple of instances at work recently where I have had 'or else' moments and I only realized it today. I'm a bit surprised. The first one, I think I was kind of right to have an 'or else' moment. A lady at work was doing something incorrectly and I sent her a nice email on how to do it correctly and she ignored me and continued to do it incorrectly. This really bothered me, but I don't think I understood why until today. Today at work one of my co-workers had a choice to talk to me or to talk to someone else. They chose the other person. Now this was a logical choice, not a vindictive one. The co-worker could not speak to both of us at the same time and had to make a choice. One of us was going to lose, and it happened to be me. And it wasn't even 'losing'! Logically, it was nothing to be upset about, but I was.

And then, this evening, it was like I could see the puzzle pieces coming together. When I was a kid, I felt that my father chose his work over me. For years I have felt that Myron chose his computer games over me. You would think I would be used to the second place thing, but instead it is a wound that is wide open and when little things happen, it inflames that cut even more and the reaction that I have is not proportionate to the event that occurred. Luckily, I don't think I show it to the person who caused me the pain. Hopefully, I hold my pain together well enough. lol. Until I write about it here, anyway.

I feel that I am being selfish. That wanting to be first place is selfish and I don't like it about myself. I know that with God I am first place (and that He feels that way about all of us) I have to find a way to be less selfish and heal the wound.

Worry

2009-04-25T20:27:00.002-04:00

I popped over to Lisa's today (she has a hole in her lung) and was very worried. I tried not to show any worry to her. She is so strong and so tough. She's got such LIFE inside her. But her body is letting her down, not allowing her to do the things she wants. It's hard for her to rest. I get that. I am not good about resting either.

I am also a bit worried about the birthing dreams I've been having. Not sure what that is about. Not sure if we are up for that. Not sure if I have the strength for that. (assuming it's a spiritual birthing)

Beside Lisa's place is a graveyard. As I biked by, I looked over and there was a woman sitting in front of a grave. Just looking at her you could see the grief and the pain and she was pretty far away. Some pain in obvious. Most pain is not.

hope

2009-04-23T12:49:00.001-04:00

My hope seems to be returning. For a long time in the winter, I would reach a breaking point in the day where I felt I couldn't cope. Now, I think I'm going to be ok. I love spring.

joy

2009-04-22T17:46:00.002-04:00

The other day I woke up at 4am with the song "Joy to the World" (the Christmas Carol) blaring in my mind. Now, I don't only wake up due to external things, but apparently also internal ones!
And so I listened to various Christmas carols in my mind during the day.
And then I realized that the music had returned.
That it had been a long time since my mind was singing songs.
It's funny that I didn't miss it while it was gone, but I sure appreciate it now.
Maybe not so much at 4am. But still.

Bridge

2009-04-17T21:20:00.002-04:00

Kim drives the van for the 3rd day Wed. evening meetings every other week. Today she said to me- "I heard about your omelettes at Easter". Now she doesn't read my blog, she can't even turn on a computer! Apparently, some Rustlers had gone to 3rd day on Wed. When you think about how different 3rd day and Rustle is, this may seem odd. But I feel comfortable at both places, so I thought about the similarities instead of the differences. They are both Christian. They both are not stuffy (though not stuffy in very different ways- both on the edge of the Church spectrum, but different edges). I'm not comfortable in stuffy/ceremonial locations. Nor am I comfortable with people who have different facades and are not real (Hmm. I'm thinking of someone at work now) I guess as long as God is allowed to do what He wants in the place, I'm happy. Just what God does can look very different.

I'm using Vicks on my allergies. Fingers crossed that it's helping. My ears are itching from the inside!

Lent wrap up

2009-04-15T21:59:00.002-04:00

I think this is the first year that I have specifically tried to give something up for lent. And I didn't pick something easy. It may have been more successful if I had picked something tangible and I could see the fruit of the time.
I don't feel I was terribly successful. I think there was only about a week during the 40 days that I was where I wanted to be. And the week was great. Better than nothing.
But now I'm trying to strategize where to go after lent.

What is wrong?

2009-04-10T21:18:00.002-04:00

What is wrong with blogger? It won't let me post pictures.

What is wrong with my face? On the left cheek it was itchy for over a week and then it kind of blistered and now it painful and swollen. It doesn't LOOK terrible bad (my face doesn't look worse than usual!) but it is very annoying!!!

What is wrong with me? Last night I had 2 memorable dreams. They were both insightful, in different ways. The one that was good insightful, I wrote on my dream blog. The other one was very painful. Probably very true, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write it down. I have felt the sting of it all day today.

Did I overbond my child? James is my little sidekick, always helping me, which I appreciate very much. But he really doesn't like being away from me. If we are both at home he will generally stay in the same room as me, unless he has someone else to play with. I don't mind it, because I know it can't last too many years longer, but I'm wondering, did I do too much of that child bonding stuff?