Confidence
I am an introvert and I do not handle new people/new situations with confidence. I find this spectacularly funny since every year I have to meet 600 new students (though they tell me it will be 700 this year, I am waiting for them to tell me about my pay increase yet though...). In the lab, it is easy for me because the students really HAVE to listen to me:)
It surprises me sometimes that people I don't know want to listen to me.
I talked to a new couple at church today and I can hear these tapes playing in my head- keep your talking brief, they have to go now, they don't want to talk to you. But actually we had a very nice conversation that might have been the highlight of my day, and I had a pretty good day!
What I want
I am quite used to putting other people's needs and wants above my own.
As a teen, I really wanted to see the shows that were on at primetime that my friends would watch, but during all those years I wasn't allowed to watch tv in the evening because it was my dad's film time. It was angsty for me then, but did I really miss anything by not watching those shows? No, I don't think so.
On a regular basis, I do put the needs of my family above my own needs. Sometimes I worry that this can't be very healthy and one day I will just snap! But I think as long as I don't snap, there is much value in putting others before myself. One thing I do for myself is write my blogs. I love to write. Hopefully, that's enough to keep me from snapping :)
Take care of yourself
I had a rather unsettling night. I was woken by sirens about 3am and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Apparently TO had a rather unsettling night as well with 3 shootings and 4 stabbings. Hard to find peace.
My dreams were very unsettled- in one I had leukemia. Now I don't IRL have this as a couple of weeks ago my doctor took vats of my blood and it all seemed normal. But your blood is your life essence and to be sick in the blood seems to indicate something is sick in my life and potentially killing me. The perceived attack may have been because a couple of days ago I committed something to God that I would do for 6 months. Moving ahead in God seems to encounter resistance, but still this is the best ride to be on:)
Hoping for a more peaceful night tonight!
Rebellion
Hmm. Noone commented that the solution to not getting answers to yes or no questions is to stop ASKING yes or no questions:)
I seem to have been asking a LOT of questions these days. Most of the answers seem to come back having to do with rebellion. Now I don't think of myself as terribly 'rebellious'. I never had the teenage rebellion. When I was a teenager, I got up at 6am, had my breakfast, got ready, got my family up at 7am, left to pick up my best friend about 7:15. We took the city bus into high school. At high school I worked really hard, was a nerd, got great grades, frowned on my friends who smoke and drank. (not that they noticed or cared) I can't think of a rule I disobeyed. I was so not a rebel!
And if you know me in real life, you would probably also say I was not really on the rebellious side.
But since the the rebellion thing kept cropping up, I figured I should pray against it in my life. I can't remember which night that was, but I remember waking up the next morning and feeling free. (or free-er than before) And I was like, hmm, rebellion apparently had some sort of hold of me. So that was good, for like a day and then the last few days my life seems to be spiralling. I hope I rebound soon!
