Space
I spent the day at Rustle helping Al sell stuff in our neighbourhood yard sale. I was in the best head space I've been in in a while so that was good. Wendy's 2 month old granddaughter was in a good space too. It feels like Rustle has achieved a peace about it. A foundation of peace, that even though there is still chaos going on, the foundation is there.
This feels so different than when we first moved into the space. There was no peace, only war, so having a foundation of peace now is really incredible. We are thankful to God for that.
Today a small voice was saying I am going to be ok, I really hope that voice is right!
Plan
I have to say that God has a sense of humour. I like to have plans. I like organization and schedule. Even though I am quite happy for Him to do what He wants and go along with it, I like to have a plan for backup.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided I needed a plan and it got blown out of the water rather spectacularly (if I do say so myself) within hours.
In the last few days, I decided there was nothing really wrong with the original plan and I would go back to it. And the plan went well for most of the day until in the late afternoon, I read something that seemed to be written just for me. And it scuttled my plan again.
Now, God knows that the heart of my plan is right. I don't think he really objects to the plan itself, but that I think I need the plan instead of relying on Him. He knows where I want to go and He trusts me. But He doesn't think I need a plan. I just need to trust Him.
Even our best plans are not as good as You. Help me to trust, always
Right
Al had a great story as an analogy in Church today (I hope he doesn't mind my sharing it because the rest of my post will probably only make sense if you heard his story)
He said there was a giant bee in Rustle and it was bumping into the window (you know how bees do when they want to get out) and he took a container and a piece of paper and caught him (her? it?) and took him to the front door and set him free. (I think Al's point was that you can either bring destruction or freedom to a situation, though that's not what I'm writing about. Another point he made is that the 'right' decision is not always clear because we don't always understand what God is doing)
Well, I feel like that bee. I am trying to make the right decisions and keep finding myself slammed against the window. I am waiting for God to catch me in his container and set me free.
There is one situation at work that I have been trying to make a right decision on and see freedom, but it's always the window. A couple of weeks ago I thought I had figured out the 'right' decision and was going to implement it. As I was walking in to work, I was praying and had this sense that the decision would not work. And yup, it pretty much blew up in my face. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't the right decision, I don't think. And so I am trying once again to implement the same plan that did not work weeks ago. That I apparently still think it is good. And I prayed for it that God would help me. But sometimes maybe it is more amusing to Him to see it all go haywire. I don't mind being amusing. It serves a purpose.
Help me to head toward freedom
Hockey parent
Apparently, I do not fit the mould of a hockey parent well. I was the only one who brought a book! James was only on the ice half the time, so I read the other half of the time. Sportive, I am not. On the other rink, they were doing figure skating, which I probably would have preferred to watch, but I don't suppose there is any chance of me convincing James to figure skate? No, I didn't think so.
orderly
It is always a transition in April to go from my Queen's job to the RMC one. As I wrote in my post, I am having some trouble with my assignment. Maybe that is part of my problem. The other part is that I have trouble sitting still. So, being in a classroom is easier for me than sitting for hours at a desk in that regard.
I have a nice office. When I had to get my contract renewed, I had to go to the 'orderly' room where they process you. It's an office space that completely freaks me out. There are so many people working and the dividers are just at arm level so you can see everyone. I don't think I could work in that sort of office space, but you do what you have to do, I suppose.
Myron seems to be a sitting target for telemarketers. When I came home today, he had signed up for $700 worth of magazines- most of which he will not read. They did give him a week to cancel, which will be happening tomorrow. Completely freaks me out, these things.
project boundaries
I have been with my current boss since I came back from maternity leave, so about 6 years. We have a good relationship, though we have a lot of conflict (Karen and Henrie declare it 'healthy' conflict as we are very open with our disagreements and we still care for each other) It's very much a father/daughter relationship and he's kind of like a grandfather for James. It's a very different relationship than that with my own father as we avoid conflict!
He's very good about being flexible with my Queen's time and letting me do my own thing. He has some control issues, but not too bad. The problem I'm having right now (as we have started on a big project) is a problem that I have seen in the past, but it hasn't affected me too much- he can't put boundaries on projects. So I try questioning him, trying to find the focus, but he won't have it. He won't tell me what the focus is and he won't exclude anything. So, it's up to me to figure these things out. He will probably be frustrated with me if I don't. (even though it is his job!) Ah, well.
In the month I have been off from Queen's I have found I gained a bit of weight. I never realized how active a job it was at Queen's in that it maintained my weight! Now I just sit at a desk all day, I'll have to be more careful. I blame part of this on Kim, who introduced me to Worthers chewy candies. So good! lol.
Well
On my way in this morning, my mind was playing U2 "The first time" that Mady and Paul sang on Sunday and I was thinking about how a lot of times we (as a general community)don't support one another in love. I think Rustle on the whole is very supportive, but Rustle isn't a very ordinary community. A lady was telling me about how some Christian organizations dumped her because she married a divorced man. How is this helpful? How is this supportive? Seems more controlling than anything to me.
As I arrived at work, I realized that this all tied in with what Al talked about on Sunday- loving well. And as I was writing, I realized that in the past week there was a discussion on - if you love someone and they are in (what you perceive to be) sin), is it not your loving responsibility to alert them to this? So everything seems to be tying together in my head at least!
So, going back to my example, maybe these people thought they were being loving by alerting her to the "sin". But she did not feel it was a sin, so she still married him. Should she have been removed from ministry as she did not repent of the sin? It is really a tricky spot to be in when the dividing line for what is 'sin' is being marked. Do we differentiate big sins and small sins- well, it's ok to be in ministry if you have small sins, but not big ones? One person in the discussion last week indicated that it should be about attitude. But it might be hard to have the 'correct' attitude towards sin, if you disagree with the demarkation lines of what sin is.
Larissa
When I was about 10-ish, I had a playmate named Larissa. Her father worked with my dad. They lived about 5 blocks from us. Easy walking distance. Her mother had just left them and that's when I started going over there to play. I think they wanted me to help keep her mind off of all the familial distress. We played well together, but I remember thinking that their house seemed sad. It was a big house and a tad dark but overall quite pleasant. I think maybe it was one summer we spent a lot of time together. But then maybe her mother got custody as I didn't see her much anymore. I tried looking her up on facebook, but maybe she doesn't go by the name I knew her as anymore.
Try
As Mady and Paul were singing today and learning to work together, I thought that God appreciates our effort. That no matter what the product looks like, it's the effort that we put in that God appreciates. Kind of like parents appreciate their kids effort. There is an area of my life that is particularly frustrating and I put a lot of effort in trying to fix it and there seem to be no results. But I know, even if noone else appreciates it, God does!
High School Notes
I don't think I've written about this story from my high school experience. I don't know a word to describe it except 'high school'.
The background: My friend Angel went to another school in our city. She was kind of going out with Brad, who went to our school. They wrote notes back and forth and another friend Carol was the messenger pigeon (so to speak) who delivered them.
Well, some of the other guys were like- I wish one of Angel's friends would write us. So, being silly girls, we decided to 'invent' a friend of Angel's and have 'her' write one of the guys. I can't remember what the imaginary friends' name was, but I got to be this girl. ('cause I like to write- can you tell?) And I wrote to Mark as this imaginary girl. And Mark bought it. Now Mark was a sweet guy and I really did like him. And we wrote notes for months. Or, he and the imaginary girl wrote notes. Then one day, we decided to tell Mark the truth.
I thought he'd be happy to hear the truth.
But he was NOT.
And he never. spoke. to. me. again. (understandable really, but surprising at the time)
Or else
Do you know "or else" people? People who say you have to do things a certain way 'or else'?
You have to do something a certain way 'or else' the church is doomed? (it wasn't)
You have to do things a certain way 'or else' we'll leave the church? (they did, it's ok)
or I'm sure Jordin has heard this one - You shouldn't homeschool 'or else' your children will not socialize properly, etc.
I have never been keen on people who are so demanding. Pushing that their way is right. Those are just some vague examples, but I think you know what I'm getting at.
Now, I haven't really considered myself an 'or else' person. I think it's really important that people make the choices that are best for them and that may not be the same choices that are best for me. I think you've got to be true to God and yourself.
I have had a couple of instances at work recently where I have had 'or else' moments and I only realized it today. I'm a bit surprised. The first one, I think I was kind of right to have an 'or else' moment. A lady at work was doing something incorrectly and I sent her a nice email on how to do it correctly and she ignored me and continued to do it incorrectly. This really bothered me, but I don't think I understood why until today. Today at work one of my co-workers had a choice to talk to me or to talk to someone else. They chose the other person. Now this was a logical choice, not a vindictive one. The co-worker could not speak to both of us at the same time and had to make a choice. One of us was going to lose, and it happened to be me. And it wasn't even 'losing'! Logically, it was nothing to be upset about, but I was.
And then, this evening, it was like I could see the puzzle pieces coming together. When I was a kid, I felt that my father chose his work over me. For years I have felt that Myron chose his computer games over me. You would think I would be used to the second place thing, but instead it is a wound that is wide open and when little things happen, it inflames that cut even more and the reaction that I have is not proportionate to the event that occurred. Luckily, I don't think I show it to the person who caused me the pain. Hopefully, I hold my pain together well enough. lol. Until I write about it here, anyway.
I feel that I am being selfish. That wanting to be first place is selfish and I don't like it about myself. I know that with God I am first place (and that He feels that way about all of us) I have to find a way to be less selfish and heal the wound.
