one step forward, one million giant steps backward
I got a call from a friend who in my opinion had done some majorly progressive things during the summer. I thought spiritually she was in a good place.
She called me to say she can't pray anymore and she is also planning on making a very big decision. This is not good. If you can't pray, it may be better to hold off on the big decisions until you can. (Though she's stubborn, so she wasn't going to listen to me)
over
Karin wrote a
powerful post on her blog. I like how she takes on something that people often say (maybe without thinking) that God won't give you more than you can handle. But that is really untrue when you think about it- He gives you more than you can handle on your own. But never more than you can handle WITH Him. Cause He's God and he can handle quite a bit really!
I used to think that I was pretty desperate for God (a good thing really even though it may not sound that way) but these last months I feel like I'm in a new place of desperation. And it's scary and good all rolled into one.
I've got this
August has been straight up crazy and there are so many difficult things and so many things whirling in my head. I have a propensity to worry and quite a lot to worry about! And there was a lot I didn't understand and was trying to figure out and my head space was not the best place to be in. And I don't think I realized exactly how much I was carrying until yesterday.
I went to Rustle for prayer. The first 1/2 hour I prayed for stuff. For today's service, for people who were hurting, etc.
Then I was quiet so I could listen. And that was GOOD.
I felt God saying "I've got this". He's got it all under control and He knows what He is doing. And maybe God has given me stuff that I don't really understand and so I wasn't really accepting it. Well I was but I probably wasn't accepting it in the 'right' way. And it made me feel 100x better to remember that God knows what He is doing even when it all looks so confusing to us. I feel so free now! It's a good place to be :)
Coping skills
August has shaken me and some good friends quite badly. Things are starting to settle but they will never be the same. They better not be. I'm working hard to balance myself as much as possible but I'm afraid my coping skills just may not be enough. I'm trying though...
prayer junkie
There's a family that I've been praying for. Generally, seeing them in person releases a deep prayer on the inside of me. While I am a person who believes that prayer does not depend on feelings it is very nice to have the intensity to pray with no real effort on my part. So it is good, but the trigger seems to be physically visiting them. And while I do enjoy visiting them, I really enjoy the prayer that comes afterward. I know that I won't sleep much after and I'm ok because I like the prayer so much. It is hard to find a balance or even know if a balance should be found!
still
I read over what I wrote on Wednesday and I still felt I was thinking the same things, just they are going deeper.
What I feel is going on is that I have been given an assignment of intercession. And not a short-term one from the looks of things. It looks like it is going to take years. And I'm cool with that.
I was up at 3am praying about the situation. I am glad to do it if it is what is required at the time- even if I lose my beauty sleep!
The whole situation really breaks my heart. It is very hard.
The family seems to have accepted my place in all of this even if we all really don't have a clue what is going on, just hanging on to the fact that God is in control.
He can change nations and He can change individuals and that's what we hope for.
Intercession
In the last week I have experienced some intense prayer. While I have prayed in a type of intercession before, it has never felt like this before.
It was very intense and overpowering and even emotional.
It is new territory for me and I am learning it can be tricky territory too.
Things I've learned:
1.When you experience the intensity of prayer and then it goes away and you want to experience it again but you have no control as it seems to be as the spirit leads. And that's ok, I want it to be as the spirit leads.
2.Prayer like this can emotionally involve you with the family (or person) that you are praying for. I felt I had to walk very cautiously in my interaction with them.
Its still in the early stages in this particular instance. In this case I had contact with the family involved everyday. And yesterday I hadn't heard from them, so I called and they were fine. Today I am not calling, I am believing they are fine. Believing also that they would call me if something was wrong.
And that's ok, I want a healthy relationship with the families I pray for.
3.It is also important to ward off resentment thinking that you put this much time into it and they don't seem to understand what you are giving of yourself. And that's ok, I want to pray in secret, not for a reward of thankfulness.
Take it
Figuring out the impressions in your head can be tricky. Discerning between what God may be telling you and what you are telling yourself. Then sometimes if I figure out that it IS God, I don't know what to DO with it.
Anyway, I had something I thought God was saying last year. I did feel it was God but I didn't feel like I had to do something or say anything about it. Maybe there wasn't anything to do at that point. Or maybe it just needed to wait until my relationship with the person it was in regards to had progressed to where it would make sense to her? Anyway I did nothing.
This week I was talking with the lady it was in regards to and I guess I felt safe enough to tell her. And what I told her was something really ODD if you actually THINK about it. I thought she might just think it was me just being funny and brush it off. I don't think I expected her to take me seriously. She just calmly said "ok" and then proceeded to act like it was TRUE! It was a bit of a -whoah- moment as I don't think I expected her to believe me or to make it change her actions.
THEN God brought ME up short because while this woman immediately acted like it was true, I had NOT been. She had more faith in what I said than I did! I am trying to change that now :)
Corpse
This news story about a lady who kept her (dead) boyfriend in a freezer is an interesting picture of what we as humans tend to do with our problems.
We'll just shove it in a freezer.
He's fine in there.
We don't need to look at him or think about him.
We go on with our lives and fleetingly think about what is in the freezer.
But eventually, the freezer gets opened and it all spills out.
Sometimes, this is very public. Sometimes, quiet.
When God speaks to us that our freezer needs to be opened, I would suggest that we listen!
An autopsy will be conducted once the body has thawed.
unity
I'll finish off my story from
"justice" first.
I talked to my friend about the problems she brought up. She had been wounded by someone through their use of her stuff. She wanted to cut off contact and manipulate. I asked if she had spoken to the person and explained the hurt she had. I told her she MUST do this. That is absolutely the first step before anything more dramatic. Sometimes it is harder to confront than just harbour how you have been wronged. We'll see how it goes.
The other interesting part of the evening yesterday was I went to Kim's Church. Her Church is -shall we say- a bit more dramatic spiritually than Rustle. Interestingly, the first song of the evening had some of the same words that the first song at Rustle did (though they were completely different songs!) Rustle's was "Don't back down" (Tom Petty?) and Kim's church was completely different but also used the words "Don't back down". So interesting!
Anyway the first song is neither here nor there to what I was going to talk about. After the first couple of songs, the Pastor got up and said that we had to pray because he could feel an attack in the spirit. So we stopped to pray. I didn't 'feel' anything so I asked God what this was about. What I seemed to get back was that it was an attack on unity. Now I don't know if what I got back was what the pastor was all worried about but it was a good reminder for me that what the devil hates most is unity. Unity in the Church. Unity in our families. Unity with our friends. And the way we humans are makes achieving unity a difficult thing. But it is a beautiful goal to reach towards.
justice
Al spoke today on the parable in Luke 12 where a guy says to Jesus something of the effect- my brother isn't sharing with me (wah, wah)- make him share with me!
And shouldn't Jesus say something to his brother like "You are being a selfish and mean brother- you need to share"?
But he doesn't. He goes into a parable that Al explained so well. That 'stuff' is tricky. That relationships are much more difficult to manage than 'stuff'.
And when you think about it, the brothers that were in dispute that got Jesus started on the parable were sacrificing their relationship with each other for 'stuff'.
If I put myself in their shoes and my brother said to me- I need all our parents inheritance- I would be ok. But my brother and my relationship is easy, so that probably isn't relevant.
Some relationships aren't so easy and require a lot of work. When my dear friend went on a mission trip and came back, she found some very bad things (concerning 'stuff') had happened in her absence. She was very upset. She called me and said it wasn't fair. She asked me to pray. She told me what she wanted to do. I said don't- wait- people will pray. I'm going to talk to her this evening.
