Insomniac Episode
It took me sooo long to get to sleep last night because I was trying to decide what to do about the offer from work. Thinking how to make it work. Second guessing myself. I still don't know what to do. I am way too stressed out about things. Then James woke me after I had only been asleep for 2 hours. Then I couldn't/can't get back to sleep.
I was crying because everything seems wrong. I'm still sick. Which is really wrong. Who has a virus this long? James is in the wrong class at kindergarten from what I asked for. And my job seems wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Overwhelmed
Add to a cup of exhaustion a good dose of overwhelmedness!
James is about to start school. My crazy term is about to begin. I have to be very careful what I eat. I read Myron's after surgery book of his nutritional needs and do not feel up at all to having to deal with all the special requirements on my cooking. Especially since I don't feel all that good myself. I'm not too worried, as he certainly won't starve- he'll make sure of that! But still.
Worry seems like an idol to me. I have got to lay it down. Which means, for me, not thinking about the stuff I'm worried about. But I like to think about the stuff I worry about because I feel like I'm planning. I guess that's why it's an idol for me, it keeps me in control instead of just leaving it for God. But God did give me the ability TO plan, so sometimes it's hard to see what's what.
Exhaustion
The accumulated bad nights, sickness, small boy and Myron's surgery have wrapped themselves in a ball around me and I feel so exhaused. Mainly at night around 8 or 9. I try to force myself to stay up a bit longer because if I actually succumb to sleep so early, I invariably have an insomniac episode around 1 or 2 as my body thinks it's got all the sleep usual for the night.
Thurs. night was particularly bad as myron was gone to TO and I was feeling particularly bad. I couldn't sleep because I was worried that my stomach was going to explode and I would die and James would find me in the morning and not know what to do. It was irrational. I lived through the night!
Perception
There is a guy at work who I seem to have had a very wrong perception of. I don't know if I can adequately put this into words, but I think I must have made assumptions based on how he looks and acts that were completely wrong. Sometimes it's a shock to be wrong. But good, because it makes you look at the world differently.
Anyway, here is what I saw - I saw him as a nice guy, gruff with people, very independant, doing things his way when he disagreed with the process of the dept. But very helpful when you got past the gruff exterior. He is overweight and I knew he had health problems. I guessed that if he had children, they were probably teenagers. He seemed much older than I (and he may be, I have no idea on that). I have never had a personal conversation with him - we always talked about computer stuff.
But anyway, the other day the secretary sent out the link for his blog. And honestly, I would NEVER have guessed they were the same guy. He's a Christian, he writes very tenderly (as a pose to the gruff exterior I see) and he's in China right now with his wife adopting a baby girl.
I had NO idea.
It surprised me because I thought I was pretty perceptive- I don't think that now.
Surface conversations can frustrate me because I can't see how to get to a deeper level. I'm not a great conversationalist.
I am looking at things differently today.
Sunday mornings
There seems to be a pattern on Sunday mornings. I experience what I consider 'attacks'. One a number of weeks ago was I couldn't see. I prayed (I was praying when it started) and it eventually went away. This morning I was in the shower and my stomach started hurting, but there wasn't anything wrong with my stomach, if that makes sense. I staggered out of the shower, got dressed and went on my porch to pray. James was outside for a bit with me and he asked if I was going to church. I was dubious at that time, but by the time I was done praying, it was gone, and I went to Church with James.
At Church the second round started. As the songs were singing, I was praying just to keep a grip. I was having trouble breathing. And then suddenly, it left. And I pretty much lost it, I was crying and happy.
I talked to Lisa- the next generation (called such to distinguish her from Lisa M.) and asked her about the teacher james had been assigned. Jess had her last year. She said she shouted a lot. I had thought James was getting a different teacher. This one will require more prayer!
Soulmates
While I was in St. Catharines, I read the book
"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I wrote a review of it on
my neighbourhood blog, but there was this quote that I found interesting:
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. They come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself and then they leave. (Richard from Texas says this on p.149)
