Honest and Deep
I read Barbara's new blog today (no link- you can ask her if you want the link) and I found it honest and deep. That's what I hope this blog is- i try not to sugar coat and censor myself here. I do on my main blog because I know my mom reads it and I don't want her worrying about me, for the most part.
Speaking of my mother, she told me about an a girl who I went to school with (my mom knows her mom) and her marriage troubles. She and her husband lived in California working in the computer industry. But she went to Canada for a wedding and then couldn't get back in the States (something wrong with the paperwork) so they moved to Toronto. She got a job in TO and he kept his job in Cali (as it was all computer after all) but he found he was having to stay up to late as he still had to work on Cali time so he quit. That was 2.5 years ago and he hasn't got a job since. So K. is working a full time job, having to do all the housework (he doesn't do any), and is getting frustrated. Also she wants kids and he doesn't. Though she realizes that she would be doing all of the raising of the child. Life doesn't always work out like you plan.
My friend D. had a similar story. She married a guy she met in Columbia (teaching) and moved to St. Louis (what is it with all the females moving to the States for men?) They both were working full time. She was also working on her masters and doing all the housework. And it overwhelmed her and she got a divorce. She moved back to TO and she married a wonderful guy who suits her very well. They now have 2 kids. (and I presume he does housework!)
What are the limits of love? Was she in love with the first guy? So many questions!
Stress workshop
I went to the stress workshop by Mike yesterday. As I have been pretty absorbed in the stress-analysis of my life, I knew a lot of what he had to say, but here's some things I didn't know before the workshop
-a symptom of stress that I had not related to stress was the running of one thought over in your head (I think he called it 'ruminating') which I have found I have been doing of late
-good changes can be as stressful as bad changes (though I assume, over time the good changes produce benficial results in your life, while the bad do not)
-your lungs talk to your brain. your brain gets signals from how you are breathing. when I felt stressed, I would try breathing deep, but now I'm going to try and do this when I'm not stressed, to try to prevent an attack.
Overall, I think my stress level is a combined total of the things in my life- job, child, etc.
The attacks may be a combination of the high stress and spiritual attack.
Yesterday morning when I went out to the back porch to pray, I suddenly couldn't see out of my right eye. I had to pray and pray in order to get it to work again.
The best thing about the stress workshop is that I got to hang out with Sandy3 (Not Sandy G. not Sandy Z.) - a lady who has been coming to Rustle. She has been on my heart a lot. We walked to the workshop together as she only lives a block away from me. She's rough on the edges but she is soft inside. I have been praying to see her as God sees her.
Isolating trauma
I was thinking about this yesterday: I am grateful for so many things in my birth experience. I was glad for when Rachel, Kim, Al and Judy were there. The nurses and the doctors, I thought were great. Everyone was very kind and supportive and the technical aspects as well were excellent. There wasn't anything at all traumatic for me up until that hour in the operating room. I couldn't even watch the video of the c-section during the birth class and now I had to go through it. I am glad for the c-section in that both James and I came out of it healthy, but it sure was a nasty experience. I find it hard to believe that some women actually choose the c-section because they don't want to go through labour. For me the labour felt normal. The c-section very abnormal- but I guess all surgeries are.
When my doctor sold her practice to the new dr. Aileen about a year ago, I had a sit down with her to meet her and she asked me lots of questions. We talked about birth and what she said to me was the exact same thing you said in your comment Rachel. She said that for most women the memory fades but for me it seems to be like just yesterday! I am trying to work to get ok with the c-section!
Life is beautiful
Shari sang
"Life is Beautiful" (Vega 4) today in Church. It was amazing- words can't really do it justice. I was thinking about the angels that
Rachel was talking about before she died(age 7). The 'thin space' between life and death.
I got an email from a Rustler under stress. A lot of Rustlers are battling. I think the spiritual battle has heated up with the increased visibility we have in the community. Not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing ;)
The attacks that I have experienced physically, whether it be post traumatic stress or some other kind of stress, are scary. I have learned that the enemy is able to use my birth experience against me, so it must not be healed up yet. I have been reading Stormie Omartian's "Lord, I want to be whole" in hopes of healing that and any other holes that need to be whole.
Emptying
I have been reading a devotional that for June is all about emptying oneself to be filled with God. I had a dream that I was putting my possessions in a boat and launching the boat. While I knew I was letting go, I also knew if I just followed the currents, I would find them again. I hope this means I am emptying myself.
Why is tonight so crazy? There was a huge crash at the corner of Victoria and 3rd. And I keep hearing sirens. I checked to see if it's a full moon, but it's not.
I am very shocked about my SIL Heather having cancer. She is so young. Myron thinks she'll be fine- they caught it early and they think they got it all.
Theory
I have theory about my heart problems. Not sure if it's a good theory, but anyway, here goes.
A while back I wrote that if we were going to have another child, we'd probably start trying for a pregnancy in July or August of this year. Well, the symptoms I had been having also correlated with post trauma stress and the most stessful thing in my life was James' birth! And during the time of the symptoms, I would have flashbacks to the birth. How weird is that? Who gets that traumatized by birth?
Anyway, with my body being so crazy, I kinda decided that I shouldn't get pregnant so soon (though the clock is ticking if we are going to have another one because I didn't really want to be pregnant after 36 because the risks are higher, though Annette had healthy AJ at 40)
Maybe my body was trying to tell me it just isn't ready.
I am very thankful to God and for the many people who prayed that I haven't had an incident since may 11. Not so good for my event monitor, which has not yet had an event to record!
Young people sure have a lot of friends
This facebook is certainly an interesting way of networking. It can be as superficial or as meaningful as you want!
You cartainly never think about how many people you know until you see them all! I think Brookie has 278 friends. How can she remember so many people so young? I don't think I had 278 friends at her age. I hadn't had time to accumulate that many.
And today I had the inspiration to look at the kids from my class who caused me trouble this past year. I am most amused that they take the time to accumulate 200 friends, yet not the time to do their own work!
Slow
I did take it slow and easy today, as per yesterdays message- but only because I was under the weather with my allergies not because my heart was right about it!
I discovered facebook and found a gal Carol that I knew from oh so long ago. I also found people that brought back memories from our old church that I did not really want to remember and thus didn't ask them to be my friend! oooo.
And
Jo, I think you are a very fun facebooker- you make my news feed!
Since I posted the empty post, it seems to be everywhere- being empty that is! Jo posted an article called
Jar of Miraclesand this line really stood out to me:
It's hard for God to get into your life when you're already full of other things. Especially yourself.
Ah, yes, getting the old self out of the way is the whole trick of life!
Coddling
I generally make a lot of use of my self-censor. I try to give people what I think that they need from me. What they are confortable with. But I find I'm starting to not care what my self censor is saying. I know the person may not want to hear what I'm saying right now, but life is too short!
You may be amused where I got this quote but I think it is very true
coddling will leave you in denial (Debbie Ford, Ex Wives Club)
I'm looking for people to speak truth into my life. I don't want to be coddled. And because I don't want to be coddled, I tend not to coddle others, even if they want it!
Empty vessels
I'm currently reading a devotional by Hannah Whitall Smith and the month of June so far seems focused on the fact that Christians should be focused on posessing Christ instead of possessing other (even good) things. She wasn't talking about possessions (though that's an aspect as well) but more about posessing experiences, feelings, view, list of works done, illuminations or gifts. Not that these things are bad, but that we are to empty ourselves to depend on Christ. (Having nothing, and yet possessing everything 2 cor 6:10)
She says
"with our hands full of our own things, we cannot possibly take possession of the things of God"
and
"God finds it often necessary to take away all our own things and leave us empty and bereft of all that we have most valued...having nothing of our own, we are driven to find our rest in the things of God"
I want to rest in God.
Myron is away until the 14th in Moncton. Well, he's not in Moncton right this minute, as he missed his 3rd flight (the montreal-moncton leg)he's now flying to st. john.
I'm wearing my event monitor. No events yet.
I said no to the banquet, saying that Myron was away. I'm happy with the decision.
