Feelings
I can generally tell how well I'm doing by how often I post here. The Rogers blog suffers only from lack of time, but this one suffers if something is lacking in me, that I don't want to talk.
I feel the weight of being the lone person with a job, with the need for finding something permanent in the job regard, with being the person who also carries the load of the house. I carry a few things on my shoulders.
During my nasty busy time, when the weight of work was the heaviest, my mother decided she needed to tell me what is wrong in our relationship. It was really a bad time she picked to release all this information to me. But I guess she couldn't hold it in any longer. Now I am glad she said something, because I don't want her bottling stuff up, as she evidently was. But I had NO CLUE that there was anything wrong with our relationship. I am at heart a very logical person and she is a very feelings based person, so we see things very differently. I just had no idea how differently.
I don't cope too well with people who show emotions. I wouldn't make a good psychologist. When my students get upset (once in a while it happens- if they are stressed out or having a bad day, etc.) and I'm not quite sure how to cope.
I am trying to notice more about other people's feelings. I am trying to ask more feeling-based questions.
But my time with my parents is usually down time for me, when I don't have to worry about caring for everyone/everything and it can't be like that anymore. It's no longer a soft spot for me. I will have to be on edge and careful and watching to see that I say and do the right things.
I had a couple of things happen at work today. They were funny, but not ha ha funny, but interesting in the way they occurred. That they did occur did make my load feel lighter and I am grateful.
Would you want to be King?
On Sunday, Paul shared a
Coldplay song Viva la Vida. One of the lyrics is "who would want to be King?". Which really, probably most people don't want to. Certainly, you wouldn't think that logically one would want to be King over God! But we do it every day, in things we want to keep control of.
Continuously during my Christian life, I feel God putting His finger on something and me responding by saying, no, You can't have that. I need that. But of course, I don't. You would think I would learn and give up control easier, but it's never easier. Though, it may be a strategy. If it takes me a long time to give something to Him, maybe that reduces the things He can ask for. Ha Ha. I don't really think so. We think we are so happy where we are, when we can't see through God's eyes and see how much better we would be if we were where He wants us.
Help me to surrender control in all areas.Why do we hang onto things? I have a package of Jello Pudding that I have had for a number of years. The flavour: "Chocolate marshmallow". They don't MAKE that flavour anymore, so I hang on. Knowing that when I make it up, it will be the last time I taste that flavour.
One day, we will have to give up all we know here on this earth and take our final breathes, never to taste this flavour of life again.
Should I make the pudding?
Serious
In the last few weeks, I've had a couple of dreams that have kept me thinking.
The first was Oct 5th
"Closing the Lower Courtyard". It was a dream that was a picture of transition. Which makes sense in a lot of ways. My life is transitioning. At Rustle a lot of transition is going on. This dream just kind of gave a picture of it.
The second was Oct 14th
"Floating". This one was really hard to describe in words but the feeling when I woke up was that things are serious. That where we were in the 'lower courtyard' dream with waterslides was changing into something for more serious. That there was be very serious issues to deal with. That the fun and games was over. That it's time to grow up. Maturity may be a good thing, but it's also a difficult thing. Until I started to write this, I felt this very heavy upon myself. I can see very clearly the things in my life that need to change. But what is blurry is HOW to exact the changes I need. As I write, I see the same thing in relation to Rustle.
A lot of my prayer time today was focused on this- God, what practical steps can I take to head in the right direction? I can't do this on my own.
Kelly T. got me hooked on
Em. R.'s "Slow me down", which seems applicable to this entry. I love the audio she has on her blog, much better than the youtube one i found.
Relating
When I first started going to Next (over 10 years ago) I remember Gary coming up to me and telling me I had to be more proactive about joining conversations. Now, he was probably right BUT it didn't bother me one bit not to be in the conversations. I don't mind standing on the outside. I probably prefer it. I know he was just trying to help, but by saying that to me, it just pushed me more into my shell, because now I knew that I also looked odd not being in the conversations. Some people are introverts. It happens. And that doesn't mean that they aren't happy where they are!
We have a tendency to have a cookie cutter approach to people. We need to dig deep to find the real people before making assumptions. People's surface is generally not enough to let you know who they are. We need to live beneath the surface.
But I do also think that it is important for me so stretch outside my comfort zone box. As Michelle said, it's not that I don't have the skills (because I have to do relational stuff at work, I CAN do it). But I always battle against shyness in the real world.
One of Myron's game friends added me as a friend on facebook. This caught me a bit off guard as I've never spoken to him. The weird thing about this facebook thing is that the people don't really need to be your friends do they? I have a number of 'Aphra''s that I am friends with on facebook only because their names are 'Aphra' so I suppose have a friend who is 'myron's game friend' would be about an equal to that.
Discouragement
In the last few weeks I have been watching with interest to how I respond to discouragement. I get lethargic.
I am normally a go to it and get it done sort of person BUT discouragement can knock the wind right out of my sails.
Myron wants a fan put into our bathroom. He wanted to do it himself. Which I considered crazy. I told him I'd call Julian and see if that's the sort of thing he did. I intended on calling Julian last monday. But Jodie told me that her sister's house had BURNED DOWN due to their bathroom fan. I haven't called Julian.
I also was working on something and though I was almost finished and then I got an email that I still had a long way to go and I just couldn't continue.
My job at Queen's also seems a lot harder to slog through because I'm discouraged about it. Well, not the job itself, but the administration seem to be very viperish and controlling.
