Worry
I popped over to Lisa's today (she has a hole in her lung) and was very worried. I tried not to show any worry to her. She is so strong and so tough. She's got such LIFE inside her. But her body is letting her down, not allowing her to do the things she wants. It's hard for her to rest. I get that. I am not good about resting either.
I am also a bit worried about the birthing dreams I've been having. Not sure what that is about. Not sure if we are up for that. Not sure if I have the strength for that. (assuming it's a spiritual birthing)
Beside Lisa's place is a graveyard. As I biked by, I looked over and there was a woman sitting in front of a grave. Just looking at her you could see the grief and the pain and she was pretty far away. Some pain in obvious. Most pain is not.
hope
My hope seems to be returning. For a long time in the winter, I would reach a breaking point in the day where I felt I couldn't cope. Now, I think I'm going to be ok. I love spring.
joy
The other day I woke up at 4am with the song "Joy to the World" (the Christmas Carol) blaring in my mind. Now, I don't only wake up due to external things, but apparently also internal ones!
And so I listened to various Christmas carols in my mind during the day.
And then I realized that
the music had returned.
That it had been a long time since my mind was singing songs.
It's funny that I didn't miss it while it was gone, but I sure appreciate it now.
Maybe not so much at 4am. But still.
Bridge
Kim drives the van for the 3rd day Wed. evening meetings every other week. Today she said to me- "I heard about your omelettes at Easter". Now she doesn't read my blog, she can't even turn on a computer! Apparently, some Rustlers had gone to 3rd day on Wed. When you think about how different 3rd day and Rustle is, this may seem odd. But I feel comfortable at both places, so I thought about the similarities instead of the differences. They are both Christian. They both are not stuffy (though not stuffy in very different ways- both on the edge of the Church spectrum, but different edges). I'm not comfortable in stuffy/ceremonial locations. Nor am I comfortable with people who have different facades and are not real (Hmm. I'm thinking of someone at work now) I guess as long as God is allowed to do what He wants in the place, I'm happy. Just what God does can look very different.
I'm using Vicks on my allergies. Fingers crossed that it's helping. My ears are itching from the inside!
Lent wrap up
I think this is the first year that I have specifically tried to give something up for lent. And I didn't pick something easy. It may have been more successful if I had picked something tangible and I could see the fruit of the time.
I don't feel I was terribly successful. I think there was only about a week during the 40 days that I was where I wanted to be. And the week was great. Better than nothing.
But now I'm trying to strategize where to go after lent.
What is wrong?
What is wrong with blogger? It won't let me post pictures.
What is wrong with my face? On the left cheek it was itchy for over a week and then it kind of blistered and now it painful and swollen. It doesn't LOOK terrible bad (my face doesn't look worse than usual!) but it is very annoying!!!
What is wrong with me? Last night I had 2 memorable dreams. They were both insightful, in different ways. The one that was good insightful, I wrote on my dream blog. The other one was very painful. Probably very true, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write it down. I have felt the sting of it all day today.
Did I overbond my child? James is my little sidekick, always helping me, which I appreciate very much. But he really doesn't like being away from me. If we are both at home he will generally stay in the same room as me, unless he has someone else to play with. I don't mind it, because I know it can't last too many years longer, but I'm wondering, did I do too much of that child bonding stuff?
Double cross
I have a couple of job issues going on these days. In both jobs.
In one I think I am being double crossed. I am not sure how and not sure why and it is all based on emails that I have NOT received.
In the second one, I made my boss mad by not fighting with him. We butt heads a lot and today I just didn't feel like it. He said he wanted to do something and I probably knew it wouldn't work. He went off to do it. Why he doesn't just give it to me to do, I don't know- it's my job! A little while later he came storming back to my office, really mad because he said I knew that it wouldn't work. Which was probably true. I was just tired and didn't feel like butting heads with him. But I have learned that he LIKES butting heads with me and I won't back down next time.
What I wanted to do this evening : watch CSI!
What I actually did: wash a gazillion dishes.
Oooh, what a martyr am I! lol.
