Serious
Yesterday, I went to the Kingston Symphony's production of "The Planets". It was very good in all aspects. I prayed as it went on. I prayed that the people listening would be touched by God as they saw photos of God's awesome universe.
What God seemed to be saying to me was- this has to be serious. That I need to view what I do for Him as my full time job. OK, I thought- but there's only so many hours in the day!
This morning, I learned that a number of jobs of people who work in the first year programme with me have been axed. To me, that makes the program look pretty dismal and it makes me want to quit. That would free up a lot of time!
The timing of this is a bit difficult as Myron is not working. But, if we don't buy a car, financially, this could be do-able.
New Season
I went to the City Wide Worship with Sandy last night. I had assumed (incorrectly) that it would just be a musical worship sort of evening. There was a lot of that but also Alistair Petrie spoke. I had never heard of him before but God really used him to confirm some of the stuff He had been telling me on Sunday.
I didn't initially write this as I wasn't really comfortable with what God was saying. I'm still not too comfortable, but anyway. I feel that God is calling me to a deeper intimacy, that he is putting his fingers on things that are in His way. It is kinda scary and good all wrapped up in one! I feel like I am entering a new season.
Perfection
I like perfection. I like my course to run perfectly. I like my life to run perfectly. I like to always say the right thing at the right time. But life doesn't often work like that!
A lot of times I'm really hard on myself when things aren't perfect. Sometimes God has to remind me when I am being to hard on myself. Sometimes Barbara has to remind me :)
Before last week, I didn't even notice that I had 'head conversations' so much. Now I think that it was an ego thing. That I could have these conversations in my head and they worked out perfectly. But that is so unrealistic. People never say what you expect them to! I am doing better in this regard, not perfect, but better :)
Challenge II
I always like a good challenge and to not let me mind wander into the 'what if's is a good one. I find there are particular times where my mind has opportunity to do this. Yesterday, it was while doing dishes that I stuggled. I seemed not to have the same probelm as the night before, maybe because I was so tired from the night before!
This was the quote that was going through my head yesterday from Luke 12:
11"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
but there is also 2 Timothy 4:2
be prepared in season and out of season
Though I don't think my 'what if'ing ever makes me more prepared. It has been interesting to learn that I do this, as I really hadn't noticed before!
Challenge
Yesterday, Brandon's sermon was on the kingly aspect of God. It was a really good sermon and a couple of things he said are still digesting. About half-way into the sermon, I felt God say to me that He wanted something. I knew exactly what it was when He said it, though I'm not sure how well I can describe it. It's not a physical thing, but there's a place in my brain that plans out conversations, that heads of into the might-be. Of course, these conversations never happen as other humans can't be controlled to say the things you want! But I apparently have lots of things I would say if given the opportunity. And I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I always found it useful and cathartic as I often think of only after the event of everything I wanted to say and, hey, I get to say it in my brain, in a safe environment. I'm sure everyone does it to some degree. Maybe I was doing it too much. Or maybe God just wants that time.
Anyway, during the day, it was pretty easy to submit to God and give it to Him. BUT, going to sleep at night was another story as apparently I use this as a method to get to sleep. Going to sleep was really hard! And waking in the night and trying to get back to sleep, equally so! But I believe as I do this, it will get better and I will sleep again. But for now I'm really tired! (but also really hopeful:)
Lessons in Circles
It seems like every day, I go through the same circle with God. I try to do it on my own, realize I'm not doing a good job, and have God have to tell me to Trust Him again. I don't seem to move forward, but go through the same circle every day. I'm hoping someday I'll move past this and Trust Him First!
Circles
When I was at the prayer meeting last night it felt like God was reminding me of what I wrote about on April 6. Trust. Trust him. The reason I was off kilter yesterday was because I was trusting myself. I was trying to handle the situation with my own stregth and God doesn't want that - He wants me to rely on him. And so over and over He has to say 'Trust me' and then I wander off in a circle. "Trust me".
Not "Don't shower"!
Bob's solution
To my story below, Bob's solution:
The moral of that story is: don't shower!
This would actually solve a lot of my problems, though it would probably create new ones involving health and hygene and the loss of my job.
Trying to realign my day
I'm kind of upset right now and it's all my own fault. For some reason, when I was in the shower, I got really upset at someone. I think I was processing something that happened a few days earlier. Someone told Myron something about where he belonged because of his giftings. I will not deny his giftings. It made a good argument. I was ok. Apparently, in the shower this morning, I discovered a FLAW in the argument that REALLY upset me. I was in tears and I think angry as well. Not a good way to start the day! I am trying to shift the day, I just can't seem to loose the shadow I'm under.
Lunch
We had my office mate and his family over for lunch today. Myron likes to have people over, but with his current condition it isn't easy for him.
There was a 2 year difference between our boys (James nearly 6 and their's nearly 4) and they still played together. It was nice to see my office mate relating to his son as I don't see that side at the office.
And the wife and I eventually got on the topic of childbirth. (how is it that women who hadn't met before can talk easily about childbirth- it must be a woman- bond thing) We talked about the complications in each of our pregnancies. We talked about birth in Africa (as her research is in that area) and how there are many needless deaths related to pregnancy simply because they don't have all the techniques we have here. It was funny how we talked about it and how pregnancy was natural and how it all could be so natural, except when something goes wrong. And my office mate chipped in "But death is natural".
Hand of God
On Sunday, I was walking down Queen St. for the finale performance of the world impact tour at the Krock. I saw a grandfather-type man and 2 children (maybe 7 and 9) come out of a parking lot. As I walked by them, I really felt that God was working in their lives. It turned out that they were also going to the Krock as I saw them later going down at the call to have Christ in their lives. Out of hundreds of people, I saw them go down. I saw them come back with a Bible and my heart was so happy. I was so pleased to have a piece of their special day.
How are you?
I recently have been having some issues with people asking me this question. Some people ask me, as it is a polite question to ask. Some people, because they really want to know. At work, lots of people ask me about Myron. I don't know how to answer that question anymore. When people ask me, it makes me grit my teeth. Not healthy. You would think I would know how I am.
At the Krock event, I saw Susan there and I hadn't seen her for years. (she didn't know about James, so quite a while) She asked about Myron and I think I answered her more harshly than I meant to. At that point, I realized that the questions are getting to me.
Trust
In Church today for the 4th song Shari sang a hymn. We don't sing a lot of them and I did not grow up in Church so I don't really know them. I only heard the first few lines, then I don't quite know how to describe what happened. (I don't know that it had any relation to the hymn, just that I remembered that is when it happened) It was like I heard God speaking to somethings in my life and saying you don't need to trust you, you need to trust Me! And it was like something just lifted off me. And then Shari prayed after the song and said something about trust. And the word trust just kept zinging around in my head.
There are a couple of situations that I have been stressed about. Some of them I created myself, so I felt the burden to fix the problem, since I had created it. But, even if I make the mess, apparently God is well able to clean up even that! Thanks God!
I am planning on going to the Krock tonight for the final night and am looking forward to what God is going to do.
Island breeze
I went to the 'Krock' last night. I like calling it that because it sounds like 'crock' which I think it was to use so much money for an arena when there were so many other things that the money could be spent on, but it did end up giving us a very nice stadium for the World Impact people. It was a very good show of dances from the pacific, with the highlight being the guy who danced with fire. He was evidently a champion at it. But even champions sometimes make mistakes! Luckily, he didn't and the Krock didn't burn to the ground.
Seriously, the thing that impressed me most about the performers was the spirit of humility that they danced with.
I was also impressed with the unity that it took between all the Christians to put this on.
There did seem to be a good number of commitments to Christ at the end, but there were also quite a few who walked out, but they had received a seed and that can be all God needs.
I prayed like crazy last night- my mouth was completely dry at the end. (maybe helped by the fireguys' kerosene!) It was very intense. I will be praying tonight and tomorrow night as well.
My heart hurts (not physically)- but I woke up this morning with my spirit crying. I think I'm a worse mess than when I last posted :)
Messy
I have to say that I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself today.
In general this time of year has a withdrawal effect on me as I go from being super busy down to 1 job and from 75 emails a week to practically 0. I guess my job makes me feel popular :)
But yesterday my emotions seemed out of line. It was a crazy day. I don't even know where to start. Anyway, I felt a lot like falling apart.
The weird thing is that I can almost tangibly feel that there is more prayer in the city right now due to the event coming up Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun, so you would think that with that I would be doing better, but maybe not...
