De-Nile
I know, I know it's a river in Egypt!
After the With meeting yesterday, I was walking home and realized that I'm in denial. I think I said a couple times "I'm in a hard place" and shed a few tears, but then was in my normal mode again.
People ask me questions all the time. Questions I don't have answers to. Questions I don't ask.
Job
The background for this post: at my work the administration made some serious cutbacks saying there were financial problems. A lot of my friends had their positions terminated. One (high level) person quit as she got a position elsewhere because the situation at our work was(is) bad. I'm not sure how our first year program is going to run this year. The answer in a nutshell seems to be - not well.
However, they cut so much, they now realize they have to hire as someone has to do the work. So for one job, they combined 3 positions into 1 and I got an email from my former boss saying she thinks I should apply. I would not have considered applying if she hadn't written the email. I still would not consider applying if Myron was working, but the way things are now, with me being the only one working, I have to consider it.
The money: there would be a slight increase in pay, but I would also have to work more hours.
The permanence: this is what the benefit to the new job would be- that employment would be guaranteed instead of my constant run of contracts.
The worry: that the dean will be in the job interview and I will speak my mind and my former boss (the one who wants me to apply) will be upset.
:that applying for this job makes it seem like I agree with what the dean is doing
:that by applying for this job I am betraying my friends. (before applying for the job I would clear it with the girl whose job it used to be- if she is not ok with me applying then I would not)
So what do you think- on principle?
Reality
Escape is not a dirty word. None of us can face what's happening head-on all the time. Sheldon Kopp
I'm a very practical person, but I wouldn't say I'm a very realistic person. I think I use escape and denial way too much. Not that it's bad to use it sometimes (as the quote above says). But when you use it instead of looking with eyes of truth, when you use it instead of relying on God, then it can be a problem.
Outside
Sometimes I don't want to post here because I don't want to unstuff!
On Tuesday, I had a melancholy episode. This doesn't happen often to me. I listened to music for a bit and it went away. I think my body has been having some hormone go wrong.
The best thing about summer is that I can pray outside. I like praying outside way more than being inside. I like the peace in my backyard- listening to the birds. (though this morning, the neighbor boy was hanging on his rope swing that did not make it so peaceful, but normally...) I'll pray in the rain if it is light rain. I don't mind. But on Thursday I was getting the garbage an recycling out and it was raining a bit harder than is comfortable to be outside and I was getting uncomfortably wet and James is like "I'm coming out to pray with you!" and I'm like- I'm not praying I'm getting the garbage and recycling out. I also will choose an outdoor chore over an indoor chore as long as it's not in the sun!
Healing lunch
I had an incredible day yesterday. I went to lunch with my soon-to-be boss. We have had a lot of differences in the past so I was somewhat concerned about how the lunch would go. But neither of us looked back and it was a very future focused lunch. I think we both understand each other better. He is very much involved in the politics of the program and the department and I am not, and have no interest to be. And I think he didn't understand that before. I think he thought that I had some kind of agenda. But I don't. I don't think he understands that, but I think he gets that now. So, I think we'll work ok as a team when September rolls around.
In the evening, we had prayer at Rustle and 11 people came. I am not sure how many people there are in our church - maybe 60?- but 11 is a significant portion! I am in awe of what God is doing. Because it really seems incredible- and we get almost that many pretty consistently. Then it was hard to get them to stop praying. At 8pm I started looking for a way to wrap it up. At 8:20 I managed to squeeze in a closing prayer of thanks and Henri switched the lights on. And people STILL kept praying! I would say that prayer for an hour and 20 minutes, with people still not wanting to stop- it's all God baby!
On the way home, on 3rd av. I passed by 3 older guys- maybe in their 50s?- standing by a pickup and talking. I caught a snippet of their conversation "...she was engaged to marry him.(pause) She got saved and started going to church..." And I was grinning knowing God was busy everywhere!
Secrets
I am pretty sure that God is not in the business of keeping secrets. Before
Joanna got engaged, Myron was asking me some questions about her and her future plans. Joanna had told me nothing about the questions he was asking, yet I answered them all like I knew. And I wasn't pretending or anything, as I was saying the stuff, I felt like I DID know. And everything I said to Myron turned out to be true, but I don't think it was me that was speaking them, I think that it was God not keeping Joanna's secrets :)
Something happened a couple of weeks ago which I thought at the time was me just talking to myself in my head, but in light of recent events, I now think it was God giving away someone's secrets. I didn't believe Him, mind you...got to work on that!
Lunch
I have a working lunch meeting with my soon-to-be boss next week. He picked the location as the good ol' boys club. His territory. I think he picked it because he likes to eat there and he knows that I can't eat there on my own. I don't think it's a power play to be on his home turf for the meeting. But he WILL be on his home turf for the meeting. That I don't mind. Whether it is a power play or not, it doesn't bother me. I'm not one to be intimidated by that kind of stuff.
We have had a very rocky past so he may be intimidated by me. ME!
What does have me a bit worried is the actual eating part! I rarely eat out, partly due to the cost, a bigger part due to there's not much I'm ok with eating. There's a lot of foods I can't eat and a lot of things have too much salt. So, assuming I can work around that I'll be good.
Uncomfortable? check. so that's good!
Shy
At the women's meeting on Tues. Michelle mentioned a difference between being shy and being an introvert. I think I am both. I don't mind being the introvert, despite working at an extrovert-designed job. But the shy I fight with a lot. And it's not something that you can rationalize away. I look at the situations logically, but still when I operate it seems to be my comfort zone to be shy. I don't like being in a comfort zone. I like being uncomfortable and pushing myself- it makes me feel good when I do!
Come
In Al's sermon today he said that what he saw in the Lectionary readings for this week was it was about coming
eg. Matthew 11:28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Which I found very interesting because last night I had
a dream that seemed to be saying "Wait". In the dream, things seem to be analysed. The situation seems to be tested before the fullness can come out. Why can't things come right away when you want them to? When you feel ready? But God knows what He's doing, and when the timing of something from our perspective doesn't match ours, we have to trust Him.
I thought it also interesting that he told the story about Abi's bird in a cage with the door open but not flying out, as I had just told someone about that a week ago! When I first saw Abi's art, I thought it was quite striking that the door was open and the bird not flying out and I thought, what bird would do that? It was a great picture of the freedom that God has for us. BUT that was before I had birds. Now I have birds, I see this all the time. I can leave their doors open - sometimes they want to come out and play and have freedom, but sometimes they don't want to come out. They have their food and water and familiarity in the cage and just don't have the energy or the will to leave the cage where they are comfortably happy!
Does it matter?
My friends' sister in law may have married into their family because she likes being wealthy and the guy she married was/is quite wealthy. They have a child and have been together for 5 years. Their marriage seems fine as they seem to fill each others' needs. I feel judgmental for saying that she married for money. What do I really know? But say she did. Does it really matter? If they are fulfilled and happy, even if it has partly to do with money, does it really matter why they got married?
Letting God take control
When I was at prayer on Wed. night, I realized that recently I had not been praying specifically that God would be in control. That there were areas that I was quite competent and could do on my own, but I don't want to. I want to be in God's strength not my own.
So, I prayed that specifically on Thursday morning. In the evening, when looking back on the day, I thought - hey God, I might have done a better job on that one! There was a lot of chaos in the day and I had a hard time reaching peace on a number of things. But there was some wisdom that filtered through. Overall, it was a pretty tough day.
Today, I prayed the same specific prayer and had another really tough day! James gave me a rough time and was rebellious and was very out of character. We have a long way to go on the think of others before yourself idea. But then, he's 6.
So, apparently, praying this prayer seems to make things difficult for me! But I believe it's good and will be beneficial in the long run.
