Where you choose to live
Last night I had a dream (
from dream blog may not make a lot of sense- my dream blog often doesn't) that spoke to me about the choices that we make. We can choose to live small or big, out or in.
My personality is very introverted and in a way it can be a shell around me. A shell that protects me. But I am very conscious of God wanting me to chip it away. He'll let me live in my small room if I want to, but is that what is best for me? I'm sensing God saying that it is not. The journey out doesn't look easy, but I think it is easier than I think. Gerald in his sermon today said that to have friends you should be friendly- say hello and goodbye, open doors for people- easy things.
Henri and I had a conversation today and she said that it was the first time we had a real conversation, but I am not too sure about that because we had some long conversations when Next was having financial troubles, but I didn't want to bring THAT up, but I sense that that is important for her- to connect at a deeper level.
Currently playing on repeat:
Run by Snow Patrol
Boundaries of love
I've been thinking about a family I know today. The parents love their kids, as most parents do. I was friends with both the parents and one of the kids (not really a kid, in their 20s) The kids chose to do something that was considered a sin by both the parents and myself. Now the type of sin was not nasty or hateful. It was as loving as a sin can get. Or at least can be coated with love. The parents decided that the sin was no longer a 'sin' and continues to love their child and tell their child they thought it was not a sin. I told them I thought it was still a sin and I was cut out. No longer welcome.
It's different if it's not your child. I hope I would have the strength to tell James that I would still love him, just not agree with what he was doing.
Less of me
k, this is a weird question- I hope I don't regret asking it. It's a question for females.
When I was so sick in August, I lost a few pounds. I lost the last few James-pounds. In September my pants were pretty loose. Now they are looser than they were before I was sick, but not as drastic as September. What's the question you ask? I'm getting there. The weird part is that I seem to have lost a lot of weight in my chest (and there wasn't that much to loose from, which is why it's weird) and now my bras just do not fit. So what do I do- buy new bras or will my chest grow back? It's been about 7-8 weeks since I was sick. Loosing the weight was much faster than putting it back on, but it was pretty nasty at the time!
I did have to put my head on the desk and laugh after I finished typing this. I hope y'all don't make too much fun of me!
Understanding
Tonight I'm up late and haven't had a nap! No excuses.
Yesterday, I talked with Karen N. and things around here started to make more sense. Not necessarily a good sense, but a clearer sense. I think I started understanding what I'm up against better. I'm thinking this stress thing may have been a trigger but that it's depression that is the bigger picture. And he is not currently being treated for that.
In a way it's better because knowing that I felt a burden of guilt and pressure leave, but worse because the battle is far bigger than I had thought.
Pride/Humility
I'm up late because I had a bit of a nap in the afternoon. I read this is Shannon Ethridge's book 'every woman's battle':
While pride says, "I deserve whatever I desire", humility says, "My fleshly desires will not dictate my actions"
While pride says, "My needs should be met at any cost", humility says, "Meeting my needs should be secondary to loving others"
While pride says, "Life is all about me and my pleasure", humility says, "Life is all about God and His pleasure"
While pride says, "The rules apply to everyone else but me", humility says, "I will submit to the rules for righteousness' sake"
While pride says, "I'm above the consequences", humility says, "I win only when I resist sin"
I can see areas of pride in my life. Hard to root out.
God's way
There are some things that I find it easy to follow God's way on. Big things like 'murder' - I really have no desire to do. I also have an easy time with the 'covet your neighbours stuff'. In an age of materialism this may be harder for some people, but it's been relatively easy for me. I would rather be without material possessions and have no debt. I value no debt higher that material possessions.
There are somethings I find more difficult, like being nice to a person who might be particularly aggravating, but they are doable.
But every once in a while, I come upon something where God's way and my way are diametrically opposed. This happened to me yesterday. I had a very clear join in the road. I could choose my way or God's way. And it kind of rips you up a bit inside when you can't have your way. But of course God's way is better than my way and He has a much better idea of what he is doing than I do! So I went God's way. He is God, afterall. Though I have found myself nittering at Him, telling Him that my way was a good idea, that it had some benefits. I'm sure he's probably ignoring my silly nittering :)
And the problem is me
A lot of people (including myself) are involved in a 24 hour prayer for a lady named Marisa. I don't pray for 24 hours!- it's broken into 10 minute slots. I pray during my assigned time as well as whenever Marisa comes to mind. Today, I felt that a corner was turned. That Marisa will live and not die. I am so grateful to God. I don't know a lot about it, but it didn't look good. Today it was posted on her blog that she was feeling more energy.
I pray that this turned corner will sustain and that we won't go back. My boss (with whom I have the integrity issues) is very overworked. He has not done laundry in a long time and was very thankful for the warm weather so he could wear shorts (that were clean). He did not understand why people would need 'extra' time for Thanksgiving (RMC was on minimum manning as of noon today) George was going on about this in front of the new guy he hired (who, ahem, had to leave at noon). Not quite sure what new guy made of it. Not sure if my boss went on this outburst because he knew new guy was leaving at noon or if he was just randomly going off. (I worked until 5:30pm)
Today I'm trying to deal with the fact that my issues are about me.
