Question
When you ask God a yes or no question, do you think the answer will be yes or no? maybe sometimes it is one or the other, but when I ask a yes or no question, I rarely seem to get a yes or no answer! The last time I asked a yes or no question, I got an answer something like - you can handle it either way. Which was a valid response because I DIDN'T think I could handle it either way- only one way. So the answer was helpful, but not as direct as I was hoping :)
There's a situation that I'm feeling upset about right now. Not the situation itself, but what is behind the situation more. And it makes me uncomfortable to be upset, because I'm not usually. And it's nothing that I have control over, so there really isn't any sense to being upset about it. And as I was lying in bed last night, I just felt like- it's ok to feel this way and I've felt better since then. I'm not a real emotional person so sometimes feeling emotions makes me feel uncomfortable :) But an even bigger step for me is that I told someone I'm upset. And way beyond feeling upset, sharing it, is not something I normally do. So a big uncomfortable step for me.
What do you say?
An old boyfriend added me as a friend in facebook. I thought it odd because I really thought he disliked me. We haven't actually talked (though I see he's got 2 sweet daughters)- what would we really have to say? I told Myron. It didn't seem to bother him, nor should it. Myron is light years ahead of this guy even being sick and all.
I had to tell a coworker who is being let go that they are keeping me. That was an awkward discussion! She is really hurting. I don't think it's important what I say anymore, just that I be there for her.
There is a part of the path I walk to RMC by the water and everytime I walk this block, memories of people who have died that were important to me rush back. There really aren't words to express. I arrive at work with tears in my eyes regularly. (not that anyone notices!)
On my way home from the WITH meeting last night, I was thinking about a door to something that I want that seems to be closed. And I felt impressed that it was God who kept the door closed. So I thanked Him for not giving me what I want :) He really does know better, doesn't He?
And I read Will's post this morning and he said:
That’s the main reason we sin... we believe that what we want and when we want it is more important than nearly anything else.
Even though I do regularly put down what I want for God or for other people, i still feel so conscious of sin. I feel like it's right on the outside and everyone else can see it too. It prickles me. I don't think that's really a bad thing.
Unseen
In Al's sermon today, he described the growth process in relation to a mama and baby. I love how he gives such vivid pictures when he speaks. The race running one from today is also stuck in my head.
I see the analogy to life in Christ. When you are a baby, your mama must be close to you a lot. When I first became a Christian, I had a lot of stuff to learn, a lot of stuff to get rid off, I felt God very close.
As I got older, I could venture on my own, always knowing that He was watching, maybe from the kitchen window to see if I would need help.
But we have to take an extra step as our God/mama can't be physically seen. We have to know that He is with us without actually physically seeing or connecting with Him.
Extreme
Sometimes we react in a way that is disproportionate to the trigger. My boss routinely does this. He's a great guy but if any little thing goes wrong it's world melting! Sometimes, it freaks me out knowing that he is going to freak out, but most of the time I can say relatively calming things that he completely ignores.
In reading Numbers, I see the Israelites doing the same thing. Sometimes I wonder if God rolls his eyes at us. If He says relatively calming things that we completely ignore to run our own agenda.
Stirring
What I like about prayer meetings at Rustle is that they stir me up. Not so much what we pray about, but that we pray. On the walk home from Rustle after prayer and the walk in to work this morning, the prayer flowed easily. I like to walk and pray. I don't worry what people think as they might just think i have an ipod. Or think I am crazy. It really doesn't bother me to pray out loud while I walk. Sometimes, if I get too loud, I have to check myself though :) I am liking the flow of it.
As a follow up to the best intentions post, my office mate's computer went into a huge tailspin, but I got my backup computer set up for him, so he's doing ok now. And Lucas and James made up, so everything has sort of worked out.
Henri asked me yesterday how Myron was doing. I don't remember what I said to her, but she said to me "You're just letting him do his little dance out there, aren't you?" - she sees that I have to distance myself from it. I don't know if that is healthy, but it IS how I am coping, she is correct. People ask me every day how I am doing, how Myron is doing. I never know how to answer. I know they ask out of concern, out of good intentions, but because there seems to be an open wound in me about the subject, that it really is painful to hear the questions. I exist by ignoring the open wound. Asking the questions reminds me it's there.
Best intentions
I tried to do some nice things last week, but they didn't work out so well.
I offered to get my office mates computer fixed while he was away last week. Apparently, they fixed one thing that was wrong but there were 2 things wrong and now the computer is worse off than it started.
We offered to take Lucas to the circus with us, which went great, but after supper the 2 boys had a bog blow up argument and I'm not sure the boys who were best friends are even friends at all. It makes me sad.
Better day
Last night I slept from about 9pm-4:30am and I feel so much better! I didn't really feel too tired yesterday until around 8:30, at which point I realized I was no longer functional!
Today I no longer feel like I have a festering open wound, but feel like I am healing, this time I hope that I heal correctly.
Heather posted
this link for a song on her blog and it felt applicable to today.
Coincidence
Either it is a coincidence or praying not safe prayers is not safe. On Sunday when I was praying and realized the not safeness. I thought, it's ok, how much worse could it get? Well, apparently, worse.
Sun. night I was up for at least an hour around 3am. Last night, I don't think I slept at all. Maybe a few hours.
Something happened yesterday that caused a wound (not literal) that I had carefully sewed up to split apart again.
So now I am walking around work on almost no sleep (I'm not FEELING it YET thankfully!), with a gaping wound hanging out. Lovely.
Hope I make it through the day.
Not safe
During the worship part of the service today, I was praying some things for Rustle and I realized as I prayed them that they were 'not safe' prayers. It was like - am I sure I want to pray this stuff?
I thought it was interesting that during the sermon, Al put up a quote that said something like He is not safe, but He is good.
I thought that matched up with my prayer experience a few minutes before.
Scrapper
The last post was #150 for this blog!
When I was in grade 1, my best friend was named John. I used to scrap with other kids who sang "John, John the leprechaun" to him. I was oddly possessive and oddly assertive. Looking back, that was not worth scrapping about. I met up with him again as a teenager and he was certainly not worth scrapping over.
But in God, I do enjoy a scrap from time to time.
I like praying for people from afar. It's a bit safer. But last night, I put my hand on Tanya while I prayed for her and realized, I really like praying in person as well!
Last night also Henri gave some good advice about figuring out if something in your heart is from you or from God. She said to pray about it and lay it down before Him. She's a smart cookie that one!
Good things
Al was talking on Sunday about living in an environment where you only talk about good things and how we need to also walk through the pain. Right now, I am living mostly in the land of good things, as Myron is not capable of handling much of the bad. I am feeling like I am carrying the weight.
Michelle made a really good comment on the last post. It is difficult to tell what are solely our desires and which are the desires God put there.
Is it God?
I was recently talking with someone who was wondering if they should change churches. Is this what God wanted?
It made me think back to a situation from about 10 years ago. I had a friend who wanted to leave her marriage. She was very unhappy and emotionally distanced from her husband. He was a Christian. She also is a Christian. She wanted to leave him and marry a muslim. She did. She is now very happy.
On paper it looks like the wrong thing to do, but it seemed to have worked for her.
There was so much emotional distance, so much baggage in the marriage that it probably couldn't have worked.
Was it the right move for her, seeing the outcome?
Or is she just happy because she got her way?
Was it God's will?
Sometimes things are so blurry, it's hard to see clearly.
The crying place
Last night, I wanted to cry. There's some stuff I need to grieve over. There's some stuff I need to deal with, but I can't. I can't cry! Well, I can cry a bit, but not enough to get out of my system what I need to get out. Because as soon as I start, the weight of being strong takes over. I have to be strong every day to deal. This can't be healthy. People can't be strong all the time. Where is my ability to be weak? Isn't that where God is strong, where we are weak? Why do I feel I have to be so strong all the time?
